Why donate?

If you want to donate money to other good causes, that is an excellent idea. Giving is the Great Virtue, and millions of people suffer horribly while The Founder suffereth not.  Animals suffer, plants and microorganisms suffer, the unborn and the undead suffer their respective curses eternally.  Many of these (or representative organizations) have their own websites, like this one for example.  Give some money to them, for the sake of goodness.

But if you do wanna toss us a bone, there are many good reasons to do so.  Here are just a few off the top of the head.

The Act of Giving is blessed by The Founder.  As it is written in (an early draft of) The Great Manual:  “Giving is one of the Five Virtuous Acts, along with Accepting, Loaning, Short-term Borrowing, and Paying Back.  The heart should be kept pure.  Giving makes you feel good.  Therefore giving purifies the heart and makes you feel really good, so you should give with a pure heart and not think so much about how much you’ll make on the back end of the deal.  Please give generously.”

The question often arises, What is the average donation to The Cause?  The average donation can be calculated by thinking of a number between 500 and 1000, and then doubling it.  But that is just average, and should not influence your thinking.  You should give as much as you can, and then double it – and please hurry and do it before your wife gets back and catches you with the checkbook.

Just Donate Something.  Support avant-garde theatrics while you still can.  Slap it on your moneycard – like you'll ever pay that off anyway.  I mean look at it, you owe eight grand at 18%, you can barely make the minimum payment – unless you win the lottery, I'm sorry but that’s a debt you're leaving for your kids...  And don't go thinking Oh I'll just have more kids, that'll give me more chances to win the lottery, because I tried that and so far it hasn't worked.  (This is sometimes referred to as the seventh rule of holes: when you're in one, stop shagging.)

Speaking of which, say you have three or four small children and you can't put food on the table every night.  Well under those circumstances it would be practically indefensible for you to contribute, oh say three hundred dollars to this drunkard's chase, this pig in a poke in the eye of the tiger's penis.  But if you think about it, by starving just one, the money you save could buy some food for your surviving offspring and still leave something left over to make our minimum monthly contribution of US$129.95.

Scientists have established a direct correlation between the size of donations hereto and the subsequent quality of the posts hereupon.  The more you give, the funnier it gets.

The Founder commits to not giggling, cackling, or guffawing, but rather keeping a somber expression about the face during the solemn trek all the way to the bank.

Please give generously, we are just a few hundred dollars (or whatever amount you were thinking of giving, doubled) (whichever is greater) away from our monthly pledge drive goal quota.  Then we can stop the begging and get you right back to the latest episode of When Fish Were Wombats.

Please, I'm on my knees here: just give me a bunch of money so I can quit this [expletive deleted] job and devote myself full-time to amusing you.  It will totally be worth it.  It’s a win-win.

If you do donate something, please pretend that you received one of the following three messages in acknowledgement.

To Donate may seem silly, it may feel like a game, but rest assured that the charge to your account will be real, and that your money will go to fund some unspecified programs that will definitely make the world a better place, there is no doubt about that, I mean we could argue about it but why bother, you seem to be sold so let’s just take it as a given, all right?

The Founder thanks you mightily for your contribution.  Though it was not as large as the contributions of many many others, it does at least merit an acknowledgement.  All funds transferred to the Founder will be used for the good of The Cause, as defined in the broadest possible sense.  On that you may rely.

Or as Myles wrote it so much better:

Please do not make an exhibition of yourself by asking me what you get for your money.  You get nothing you can see or feel, not even a receipt.  But you do yourself the honour of participating in one of the most far-reaching experiments ever carried out in my literary work-shop.

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