From Alaska to Alabama in a Single Evening!
The case of the mysterious 'frozen fish' that has perplexed local
investigators for three months now appears one step closer to
resolution, as Bernie from Bernie's Eponymous Fish Market confessed that
the day before the alleged disappearance he had ordered
more than fifty pounds of "halibut steaks" and several hundredweight of
something called "too-nah fish" that he intended to resell to local
restaurants and consumers at a hefty markup.
Just to Provide a Special Supper for Some Trendy Wendys
Investigators on the scene were able to trace packaging and shipping manifests to account for the origins of most of the frozen booty, some of which had come from as far away as Lake Nasser, which our sources confirm is located in Egypt above the Aswan Dam.
The motive remains unclear. Initial investigations indicate a simple motive: eating, though why anyone would arrange to have a fish flown from halfway around the world when perfectly edible local varieties are available for a fraction of the expense not to mention the tremendous effort involved, harnessing the magical power of flight and using it to fly fish around so people can have something a little different for dinner, imagine that, said investigators, who were unable to imagine such a thing and so quickly settled upon a more common motive: murder. Some of the fish were tied to well-known organized crime figures and rumor has it that when Fat Willy Beltbuckles joked that Thin William the Tony Danza Character sleeps with the fishes he was engaging in more than innuendo. Could this express air freighting have been an elaborate plot to dispose of some bodies, send the decapitated, filet'ed corpses across the country to be disposed of by some classy dames at a fancy dinner party? Why of course it could – that's genius, cried investigators, falling all over themselves at their own cleverness, immediately bursting forth from their crime solving offices and surrounding the perps, ordering them out with their hands up (and their legs down*), wrapping this case up in special paper used for wrapping up fish-related case materials before tying it up in a bow and sending the neat little package off to media outlets such as this one which are serving it up for tonight's evening meal.
This is Lynn the Space Puppet, standing at you live outside Bernie’s Eponymous, reporting.
*"Come out with your hands up, and your legs down" is stolen from the Goon Show; we never cop jokes but when we do we will always cop to it. Turns to other camera. That's our guarantee.