25 April 2016

War With the Sun, Part III: Rear Guard Action


Previously we have discussed the consequences of our overreliance on the sun for all of the energy that ultimately sustains us and thus the eventual inevitability of war with the sun and the benefits to be gained by seizing the initiative with a crippling surprise strike.  Tonight, in a televised address (not available in your area but described below), The Leader levels with the sheeples about what's at stake for humanity, our manifest destiny to rule the solar system and subjugate the sun to our whims, to once and for all civilize the damn thing.

My fellow citizens:  The sun has been good to us, it has given us much.  Its energy is ultimately the fountainhead, the source that sustains our very lives.  But we've also given back what we could, we worshipped the sonofagun for thousands of years, while it gave no unambiguous sign of caring about us one way or the other.

The sun refuses to submit itself to the rule of human law.  It considers itself above the law.  It thinks that just because we have to look up to see it, it's somehow above us.  It probably imagines it's the center of the solar system if not the entire universe.  It acts like the whole world revolves around it.

Further, from an economic point of view, the sun floods our markets with cheaply manufactured sunshine without regard to the economic distortions it is causing.  The sun haughtily refuses to lift its prohibitive gravitational tariff on all imports. If you look at this chart of our energy deficit with the sun, you can see that the relationship is almost entirely one-way. 

Every spring the sun melts all the snowmen, and most igloos, causing heartache and despair for millions of children and young adults in the muy importante pre-teen teen post-teen and proto-adult demographics.

In summer, when we are already at our most uncomfortable, at our very hot-and-stickiest, the sun seems to shine even hotter, almost as if to spite us.

At times, when we're cold, it could bring a little extra heat at that point. If the planet is warming up bringing potentially catastrophic impacts, it could tone things down a notch. A little restraint – just the smallest modicum of self-control – does not seem like so much to ask, from one neighbor to another.  And I for one am tired of hearing about its 'core interests', as if the earth does not have a core of its own, as if our core interests don't matter.

We could go on, but suffice to say there comes a time in every planet's relationship with its mother star where we deserve a better deal, a fairer shake goldurnit.  We have developed, we have grown into a fine strong young planet and it is (high) time that we approach the sun as an equal, that we assume our rightful position alongside it at the great table of powerful bodies whipping around the endless stellar void.

For let us one and all be clear: we are not out to destroy the sun, which would not be in our own best interest. Our goal is more modest: to take it down a few notches, to bend its behavior more to our liking, to bring it to some reasonable accommodation whereby its benefits could be increased while its harmful effects reduced or, where possible, eliminated.

And there is no reason we must fight alone. If the Russians will not join us we can ally with the other planets, no matter how reluctant we might be to team up with Jupiter, that bloated gas giant with its moons prancing around it all high-and-mighty like, and Uranus is not likely soon to forgive us for all the butthole jokes, but divided we fall and united we at least have a shot at this thing, we can take down the sun because doggone it we have to, what choice do we have?

So fight we must, and make no mistake my fellow citizens, time is not on our side, we can wait but we cannot wait forever. Our best military scientists have shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that the sun is an unredeemed expansionist, bent on pushing out its borders to our very shores and beyond.  It can in all likelihood wait us out, as its lifetime is by our best estimates expected to far exceed the lifespan of the human species, broadly defined.  If climate change is really going to lead to huge sea level rises and massive upheaval as well as an increase in severe weather events including droughts which cause famines, then certainly it is in our interest to attack now, while we are at the peak of our powers.

The conclusion is as cold, clear and logical as the sun is hot, opaque, and insane: we must go to war with the sun.  

Having settled that, let us now turn to the only questions that matter, namely when, and how.  As far as matters of strategy, it seems wise not to say too much publicly, but a few points deserve initial consideration.

There has for example already been some debate about when is the best time for a surprise assault on the sun, as the traditional attack before sunrise, or on Christmas, hardly makes sense in this context.  Indeed there may be no time we can surprise the sun, which knows exactly where we are at all times, never sleeps and seems to shine unceasingly in every direction.

It does however have at least one glaring weakness – in two words: giant mirrors.  We shall turn the sun's own power back on itself.  Let’s see how it likes a good sunburn, how it deals with its own remorseless blinding light.  Here, have a taste of your own medicine, not so tough are you now, can't stand the heat eh tough guy! See, yeah!

Perhaps we've said too much, for the sun may indeed be sentient and any more talk of our intentions can only tip our hand and perhaps invite a preemptive strike.  We must also be vigilant for any moles who may live among us, pretending to be human but secretly channeling critical information to our adversary (so-called 'sunbathers' are particularly suspicious in this regard).  Suffice to say that preparations must be made, the groundwork lain, for we must be ready to strike at any moment, or wait maybe that groundwork should be laid not lain, at some time in the next week to five thousand years.

Good night, and god bless our great nation, and to hell with the sun, the big hot arrogant shiny blazing bastard.  The end.

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