25 September 2015

The Interview

A brief scrap from the pile because what else is to be done with it anyway right ma.

So, why do you think you’d be a good fit in our company?
Well I’m naturally gifted at walking around, if you need someone to just kinda stroll around I think I could be an excellent fit for that.  Also I can remember stuff and convey information or even pass out snacks so I could be a kind of messenger or facilitator for intramural communication and/or your new treat guy if you need one.  If you have any director-level openings in that area I’d be perfect.
I see.  And you also hold a doctoral degree in computer science, is that correct?
Oh the PhD, right, yeah I could do something with that I suppose.  You guys have, uh, computers?
We do.
But no openings in walking around?
Not at this time.  We use the computers to convey information, and strictly limit employee snacking.
Well then, until a job I actually want to do opens up … I reckon I’m your new computer guy.
Done, just fill out these forms and we’ll get you onboard and on your way up the corporate ladder in no time flat.
Whee kippee yi ya yo!!  I’m employed again, ma!!
I need to talk to you in my office for a minute.
Dear lord, not –
You’re fired.
Ouch.  Can I collect unemployment?
You can, or you can trade it for what’s behind door number three right here.
Right now?
For the next three minutes.


How much time left?
Seven, six, five …
Okay, okay: I’ll take the unemployment.
Too bad.  Boys, show him what he would’ve won.
Nooooooooo …  That is SO drastically much better than unemployment.  It’s practically the opposite.
You must live with the consequences of your poor decision.  Poor being the operative word there.
[Gathering coat.]
Wait wait wait, before you go – I’m just getting something on the headset here … wait … yes, we do have something opening up in walking around.
No shit?
For realz.  But the job is based in China.  All the walking around has been outsourced thataway, I can get you in there but the pay is a bit less than minimum wage and the hours are inhuman.
I’ll take it.  I gotta feed my family.
Good man.  Sign here, and here, initial here.  Wonderful – and away you go.
[exeunt omnes in hysteria, pox verbatim.]

1 comment:

  1. Pythonesque, yo! Nice.

    I'm always surprised by your lock on current Americanisms like "for realz" though you live in Taiwan. Then I remember the Internet.


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