25 September 2015

More Shit We Don't Need (Coming Soon) (To Satisfy Consumer Demand) (And How We'll Gin That Up)


Smart Shopping Carts.  You just say I want lettuce and your smart shopping cart says Right turn approaching in five meters, it employs sophisticated sensors to assess freshness and select the perfect head of your preferred lettuce for a household your size, taking into account prices at competing outlets in your area and likely influences of rainfall patterns on lettuce futures, you know all that big data mumbo jumbo.  Can also deploy a smaller sub-robot to run off and get the curry powder you need while you hang out reading magazines for a bit.  Just think of the convenience – and don't think about anything else or you'll start asking questions.

Smart Fish.
All fish are implanted with a chip, they are now web-connected 24/7, push notifications go out when they eat, crap, ingest mercury, etc., smart sensors notify fisherman of their size, growth rates and location/heading/speed and administer a mildly pleasant electric shock as the nets close in; while alive, the fish can send messages to other members of their food chain and form social networks in which they can swim together, share photos and interesting links and generally increase their associations with likeminded conspecifics, not just within their schools but regionally, and, despite linguistic barriers, globally.

Smart Loansharks.
Animal microcredit is coming: you can bank on that.

Home Fracking.  Not just for major international energy conglomerates any more.  Bring The Joy of Fracking right into your living room with our simple, easy-to-use, idiot-proof plug-n-play Home Fracking Kit.  Guaranteed to bring up any pockets of natural gas that may be concealed in the fissures and crevices hundreds of meters below your basement man cave.  Not guaranteed not to contaminate your water supply and render the site unlivable for generations – but a heckuva lotta fun (for the whole family really) and could marginally reduce your heating bill to boot.  Americans are fracking shit up every day, right in the privacy of their own homes.  If you ain’t home frackin, your home be lackin.

The Universe of Everything. 
This includes the Internet of Things but also All Things Outside the Internet But Within the Universe of All Else.  Everything will be connected by a vast impenetrable Supranet over which no nation on earth shall have domain and to which access shall be metered to retain Universal Neutrality of Things. Total ubiquitous connectivity and such. So like your toothbrush is talking with your paper clips, each square of toilet paper is a touch-panel sensor transmitting vital details about your stool to news aggregator websites which communicate with your doctor's golf clubs, you get the "drift".

But it's not all about those high-tech gizmos, oh dear me no, he chuckled.  Here are some other, relatively low-techier, revolutions coming down the proverbial pipe.

Trees with Knees,  Not the stiff-as-a-board upright lurching back and forth trees of your grandfather's outdated generation of the past.  Trees flexible enough to move with the times, to get down on bended knee or to stand up strong and sturdy and assert their rights.  And once trees have knees, elbows cannot be far behind.

Coffee with Ears.  Coffee that hears?  Coffee you can chat with, over … itself?  You heard right.  It's a bit revolutionary, but if you're tired of enjoying your lonely cup of coffee with a book, magazine or one of the new tablet devices, why not sit down for a chat with a cup of coffee that listens, hears what you're saying and responds to you in real time as only a savory cup of hot roast java can.

Time-Slowing Machine. 
Is your life rushing by too quickly?  Feel like you have no time to catch your breath?  Get in our new time-slowing machine, and your breath is not all you'll catch.  Machine comes furnished with an all-weather sofa, foot rest, and side table on which to put your beverage.  (In fact the hot new Time-Slowing Machine is nothing but a screened-in back porch, but let's keep that between you and me for now, a lot of these schmucks will try anything that sounds like a hot trend.)

1 comment:

  1. What the Frack is really goin on??? I've had little daisy my 3 legged dog tied up in the back yard for months, 11 to be sure. She's been a diggin and a diggin. That nose is great on her and luckily she has her front two paws in working order. She finds at least two fissures a month. Now I can lights my ground water bubbling up from a fresh water spring. The whole back yard is glowin like that close encounters video. Them gas bubbles a started one day after Daisy got down yonder. Sadly I stopped drinking the water the day the bubbles appeared, but I sure loves the lights at night. I charge people to come over just like the county fair. Thanks for the Frack at Home Kit, but not only am I my own Fracking Funkin President, I'm also a client, an MLM operator and ballet dancer.

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