25 September 2015

The Interview

A brief scrap from the pile because what else is to be done with it anyway right ma.

So, why do you think you’d be a good fit in our company?
Well I’m naturally gifted at walking around, if you need someone to just kinda stroll around I think I could be an excellent fit for that.  Also I can remember stuff and convey information or even pass out snacks so I could be a kind of messenger or facilitator for intramural communication and/or your new treat guy if you need one.  If you have any director-level openings in that area I’d be perfect.
I see.  And you also hold a doctoral degree in computer science, is that correct?
Oh the PhD, right, yeah I could do something with that I suppose.  You guys have, uh, computers?
We do.
But no openings in walking around?
Not at this time.  We use the computers to convey information, and strictly limit employee snacking.
Well then, until a job I actually want to do opens up … I reckon I’m your new computer guy.
Done, just fill out these forms and we’ll get you onboard and on your way up the corporate ladder in no time flat.
Whee kippee yi ya yo!!  I’m employed again, ma!!
I need to talk to you in my office for a minute.
Dear lord, not –
You’re fired.
Ouch.  Can I collect unemployment?
You can, or you can trade it for what’s behind door number three right here.
Right now?
For the next three minutes.


How much time left?
Seven, six, five …
Okay, okay: I’ll take the unemployment.
Too bad.  Boys, show him what he would’ve won.
Nooooooooo …  That is SO drastically much better than unemployment.  It’s practically the opposite.
You must live with the consequences of your poor decision.  Poor being the operative word there.
[Gathering coat.]
Wait wait wait, before you go – I’m just getting something on the headset here … wait … yes, we do have something opening up in walking around.
No shit?
For realz.  But the job is based in China.  All the walking around has been outsourced thataway, I can get you in there but the pay is a bit less than minimum wage and the hours are inhuman.
I’ll take it.  I gotta feed my family.
Good man.  Sign here, and here, initial here.  Wonderful – and away you go.
[exeunt omnes in hysteria, pox verbatim.]

More Shit We Don't Need (Coming Soon) (To Satisfy Consumer Demand) (And How We'll Gin That Up)

Smart Shopping Carts.  You just say I want lettuce and your smart shopping cart says Right turn approaching in five meters, it employs sophisticated sensors to assess freshness and select the perfect head of your preferred lettuce for a household your size, taking into account prices at competing outlets in your area and likely influences of rainfall patterns on lettuce futures, you know all that big data mumbo jumbo.  Can also deploy a smaller sub-robot to run off and get the curry powder you need while you hang out reading magazines for a bit.  Just think of the convenience – and don't think about anything else or you'll start asking questions.

Smart Fish.
All fish are implanted with a chip, they are now web-connected 24/7, push notifications go out when they eat, crap, ingest mercury, etc., smart sensors notify fisherman of their size, growth rates and location/heading/speed and administer a mildly pleasant electric shock as the nets close in; while alive, the fish can send messages to other members of their food chain and form social networks in which they can swim together, share photos and interesting links and generally increase their associations with likeminded conspecifics, not just within their schools but regionally, and, despite linguistic barriers, globally.

Smart Loansharks.
Animal microcredit is coming: you can bank on that.

Home Fracking.  Not just for major international energy conglomerates any more.  Bring The Joy of Fracking right into your living room with our simple, easy-to-use, idiot-proof plug-n-play Home Fracking Kit.  Guaranteed to bring up any pockets of natural gas that may be concealed in the fissures and crevices hundreds of meters below your basement man cave.  Not guaranteed not to contaminate your water supply and render the site unlivable for generations – but a heckuva lotta fun (for the whole family really) and could marginally reduce your heating bill to boot.  Americans are fracking shit up every day, right in the privacy of their own homes.  If you ain’t home frackin, your home be lackin.

The Universe of Everything. 
This includes the Internet of Things but also All Things Outside the Internet But Within the Universe of All Else.  Everything will be connected by a vast impenetrable Supranet over which no nation on earth shall have domain and to which access shall be metered to retain Universal Neutrality of Things. Total ubiquitous connectivity and such. So like your toothbrush is talking with your paper clips, each square of toilet paper is a touch-panel sensor transmitting vital details about your stool to news aggregator websites which communicate with your doctor's golf clubs, you get the "drift".

But it's not all about those high-tech gizmos, oh dear me no, he chuckled.  Here are some other, relatively low-techier, revolutions coming down the proverbial pipe.

Trees with Knees,  Not the stiff-as-a-board upright lurching back and forth trees of your grandfather's outdated generation of the past.  Trees flexible enough to move with the times, to get down on bended knee or to stand up strong and sturdy and assert their rights.  And once trees have knees, elbows cannot be far behind.

Coffee with Ears.  Coffee that hears?  Coffee you can chat with, over … itself?  You heard right.  It's a bit revolutionary, but if you're tired of enjoying your lonely cup of coffee with a book, magazine or one of the new tablet devices, why not sit down for a chat with a cup of coffee that listens, hears what you're saying and responds to you in real time as only a savory cup of hot roast java can.

Time-Slowing Machine. 
Is your life rushing by too quickly?  Feel like you have no time to catch your breath?  Get in our new time-slowing machine, and your breath is not all you'll catch.  Machine comes furnished with an all-weather sofa, foot rest, and side table on which to put your beverage.  (In fact the hot new Time-Slowing Machine is nothing but a screened-in back porch, but let's keep that between you and me for now, a lot of these schmucks will try anything that sounds like a hot trend.)