31 July 2015

New Patent Applications


Decided to stake out a few claims in the whole patent industry sham slash scam; seems like as good of a get-rich-quick scheme as any, I've got time on my hands and plenty of dumb ideas, throwing out notions is free and if anyone grabs one and is willing to invest the time and money (and do the proverbial legwork) to actually get the patent and make the thing viable, I can always sue later.  That's just how I (t)roll.

First of all, a few words about what I'm not patenting.  The way you can look to the left at a stop light and check the other stop light and when it turns first yellow then red that means your light is about to turn green, actually I patented that over three decades ago but have already stopped charging royalties to the general public, though I do collect a small licensing fee from some of the more na├»ve transportation companies.

Similarly, the way you can take off your jacket or other long-sleeved garment and tie it around your waist by the sleeves, I spent significant R&D resources developing and patenting that but whatever, I gave up trying to collect due royalties, kept getting punched inna nose.

I wanted to patent the way they have the two separate thin papery thingies attached to each end of the band-aid rather than one adhesive sheet across the whole thing, as it definitely makes the band-aids easier to put on, but I found out that has already been patented by a large corporate conglomerate, that is so unfair, it is stifling innovation and is in fact one of the great things wrong with our country (today).

Also tried to patent the pump fake but it turns out that was patented long ago by Jo Jo White, though his exclusive rights expired in 1987 and it has since been in the public domain.*

Among things still up for grabbers, I hereby patent the following because talk is cheap and you can't stop me:

Biodegradable rubber bands, they're strong for a few years and then you can throw them in your garden as fertilizer or feed them to your fish.  I call that.

Photovoltaic 'thinking caps' that convert the sun's energy to charge the wearer's head up with grandiose ideas.

A method and apparatus for producing Apple Cream Pie, as well as a method for efficiently consuming and cleaning up after same.

Pam-like non-stick all-purpose retro disco look spray for svelte welders.

Plus I hereby patent the following words and phrases (including most if not all of their various iterations):   Big macular degeneration, turniphead, puddinhead, The Great Lizard, Astronomhie (good fellowship among stargazers), easy peasy, corn pone fritters, head-scratcher, fender bender, puddle-jumper, fiff and fiddlesticks, Asstrel Projectors, Boney McJoyless, Oatbran Parachute, Coca-Cola, vermicelli, instigate, splay-footed, dog.

"Perpetual" y'all can have and make free use of, fine; but the phrase 'in perpetuity' henceforth belongs to me (forever); licensing fees will vary based on context.

And finally, hope this don't offend but Baby I mo file me a patent on the way you look tonight, you have just got it going on and I have gots to get me some intellectual property rights to some of that, damn, everywhere you go you be turnin heads, I be bankin me some serious royalties.

 



*this is not meant to imply that Jo Jo was the first to use the pump fake, only that he was the first with the wherewithal/foresight to file for patent protection.

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