31 July 2015

New Patent Applications

Decided to stake out a few claims in the whole patent industry sham slash scam; seems like as good of a get-rich-quick scheme as any, I've got time on my hands and plenty of dumb ideas, throwing out notions is free and if anyone grabs one and is willing to invest the time and money (and do the proverbial legwork) to actually get the patent and make the thing viable, I can always sue later.  That's just how I (t)roll.

First of all, a few words about what I'm not patenting.  The way you can look to the left at a stop light and check the other stop light and when it turns first yellow then red that means your light is about to turn green, actually I patented that over three decades ago but have already stopped charging royalties to the general public, though I do collect a small licensing fee from some of the more na├»ve transportation companies.

Similarly, the way you can take off your jacket or other long-sleeved garment and tie it around your waist by the sleeves, I spent significant R&D resources developing and patenting that but whatever, I gave up trying to collect due royalties, kept getting punched inna nose.

I wanted to patent the way they have the two separate thin papery thingies attached to each end of the band-aid rather than one adhesive sheet across the whole thing, as it definitely makes the band-aids easier to put on, but I found out that has already been patented by a large corporate conglomerate, that is so unfair, it is stifling innovation and is in fact one of the great things wrong with our country (today).

Also tried to patent the pump fake but it turns out that was patented long ago by Jo Jo White, though his exclusive rights expired in 1987 and it has since been in the public domain.*

Among things still up for grabbers, I hereby patent the following because talk is cheap and you can't stop me:

Biodegradable rubber bands, they're strong for a few years and then you can throw them in your garden as fertilizer or feed them to your fish.  I call that.

Photovoltaic 'thinking caps' that convert the sun's energy to charge the wearer's head up with grandiose ideas.

A method and apparatus for producing Apple Cream Pie, as well as a method for efficiently consuming and cleaning up after same.

Pam-like non-stick all-purpose retro disco look spray for svelte welders.

Plus I hereby patent the following words and phrases (including most if not all of their various iterations):   Big macular degeneration, turniphead, puddinhead, The Great Lizard, Astronomhie (good fellowship among stargazers), easy peasy, corn pone fritters, head-scratcher, fender bender, puddle-jumper, fiff and fiddlesticks, Asstrel Projectors, Boney McJoyless, Oatbran Parachute, Coca-Cola, vermicelli, instigate, splay-footed, dog.

"Perpetual" y'all can have and make free use of, fine; but the phrase 'in perpetuity' henceforth belongs to me (forever); licensing fees will vary based on context.

And finally, hope this don't offend but Baby I mo file me a patent on the way you look tonight, you have just got it going on and I have gots to get me some intellectual property rights to some of that, damn, everywhere you go you be turnin heads, I be bankin me some serious royalties.


*this is not meant to imply that Jo Jo was the first to use the pump fake, only that he was the first with the wherewithal/foresight to file for patent protection.

16 July 2015

Why I'm Speaking Up About Whatever the Hot-Button Celebrity Scandal Issue of the Day (Is)

I will no longer be silenced.  So I'm speaking up.  Today I'm speaking up about the hot-button issue all of America – the whole world it seems – is talking about.

It's a controversial issue that no one is comfortable discussing openly in so-called polite society.  But talk about it we must, for only after I finish this blogpost can the healing begin.

When I first heard the news all I could do was be bewildered – and even that took every ounce of strength in my supple, five foot ten and one hundred seventy five-ish pound frame.

The question I kept coming back to was, Why?  Why had celebrity X been caught up in this scandal – and if he or she could do such a thing – or have such a thing done to them – weren't we all equally vulnerable?

Because – here comes the twist – I was a victim of behavior exactly similar to this.

That is why I can no longer be silenced, I will no longer be silenced and no one can stop me. From not being silenced, that is. No one can make me not bite my tongue out of fear of silence any longer. I will no longer be prohibited from unsilencing my once-bitten-twice-shy tongue.  I will no longer be cowed.  I will no longer be shamed.  I will speak out goddammit, is whatever I'm trying to say here, because the time for silence was all the time up until now when it is now officially time to no longer be silenced, from here on henceforth and forever, etc.

Okay, the time has come for me to speak up, I mean to really speak up, not just to declare in so many roundabout paragraphs my intention or my determination to speak up – well yes I mean no I mean that is exactly what I intend to do, to speak up about speakin up – so yes, to do that, but to do that and to go ahead and take it to the next step which is not only to talk about speaking up, or starting to speak up, but to actually speak up about something, to finally complete the thought by supplying the content, the meat of the thing, that is, by actually saying something and letting everyone know what the heck it is you’re talking about for crying out loud.


Feels great to get that off my chest.  Now fire away in the Comments section people, go ahead and give me the straight juice what you're thinking, I believe people have a right and even perhaps a duty to speak their minds on important issues like this, and if other people can't take it, including me, then so much the better, stimulating discussion of important issues is what we need as a society and there’s no getting around it.  The end.