17 January 2015
The Factory Tour
A Free Behind the Scenes Sneak Peek
Since our recent rapid rise up the blogosphere charts many have been clamoring for a peek inside the Proverbial Office Towers. (Others, whether from ignorance or spite, have been clamoring for a simplified tax code and long overdue reforms to the patent system if not an entirely new social contract. But such matters fall outside The Proverbial Purview.) Here comes our tour guide now, let's jump in with this group and please no wandering off, for once in your life…
Here in our lobby you can see some inexpensive ‘found art’ to inspire the drones, as well as some of the many awards we’ve won over the years along the walls on this side. This one is very special, this is our plaque for being named one of the top 250,000 blogs created the week of December 2 to December 9, 2009 by The Blogger Digest Magazine Blog on Blogging, of course it’s a virtual plaque, that’s just a printout of a photo we took of the screenshot, but you get the idea.
Some people have asked where we get our ideas and the answer can be found behind those dilapidated green and brown shutters to your left, that's the database center, really the heart, guts, brain, spinal cord, nerves and ganglia of the whole operation. Unfortunately I don't have clearance to take you in there and you probably couldn't handle the stench, but you will note that taped to the door are a few Calvin and Hobbes cartoons, an old postcard of Groucho and a faded yellow passage from Myles – all you need to know really. Inside the database center we store literally reams of gigabytes of wild and/or wacky data, the odd references, words or bits of phrases that can be conjured seemingly out of nowhere at key moments to twist the imagination, tickle the zany-bone, or "stroke the wacky gland" if you will. Unfortunately, access to the data center is only sporadically available these days due to a lack of investment in infrastructure. It's the tragedy of the commons writ large, so to speak. Please give generously.
As far as work flow, Dottie does most of the composing by dictation these days, her hands are not much good for writin any more. A trained stenographer takes it all down on an old-fashioned electric typewriter and a first draft is sent to Tony so he can do his thing, punching up the laugh lines and excising most of the disparaging cracks about penguins. The information is then converted to digital form for transmission to our back office in Krahma Pattar where it is entered into a secure database. There may then be up two years of 'final reviews' by The Founder before final approval by the Board for publication. After that, any moron with an internet connection can read it and chime in with his or her comments.
Whoa, here’s our mascot Sandy Andy Aardvark the Carnival Yardbarker, workin the factory floor, boostin morale and giving out hellacious prizes ’n good-job-isms. Here, you can come closer and have your picture taken with Andy but don’t get – [BLORT!] – ha ha, don’t get too close, Sandy Andy’ll do that if you get too close. My goodness, here let’s see if we can get some of that off you. Oh, my. That was great fun, wasn’t it?
We always end the tour here in our sample room, where you are welcome to imbibe freely some test bits of wry lunacy fresh off the production line. Please consume as many as you can but we do warn against driving afterwards and anyway the paper cups fall apart after three or four rounds, just the nature of the thing I suppose. Now if I could ask you to step over this threshold right here, just sit down and relax, this chute takes you right back to the parking lot, here let me give you a little shove there, thanks for stopping by and you have a great day now, b'bye. Who's next here let's move it folks, we don't have all day and I'd like to head home at some point, my husband is making his famous french toast for dinner.