12 July 2014

New Video Games

No shortage of video games out there.  My goodness.  And yet, can't help but feel there are still some uncovered niches.

Savvy Conversationalist
You and up to three co-participants sit around in high-backed leather arm chairs smoking stogies and sipping bourbon while you engage in a fascinating wide-ranging interactive dialogue touching on matters of interest to every thinking person.  The motion sensor picks up your vague hand-waving arguments and scores points for curiously raised eyebrows or a perfectly executed fake laugh … Several modes include State of the World, The Dimwit, Dinner Party Repartee, The Paranormal, Rambling Vaguely By the Fire, and more.  Beware of The Hijacker, a wacky li'l gremlin constantly trying to steer your conversations toward inane topics such as breasts or the Olympics.

Paper Pusher
Fill out an endless series of forms, keep your files in order, respond to a constant barrage e-mails, keep all databases up-to-date, produce monthly reports, answer all incoming calls in the order they are received.  You can work quickly to get ahead of everything and then the game lets you loaf a bit, or you can deliberately stretch out your work to exactly fill the allotted time.  Whichever way you choose to make it through your days (of playing this exciting new video game), no matter how fast you work, as long as you are not fired your final score is the same.  Just two levels: first you push paper without messing up too badly for at least five years, and if you're attractive and well-liked by your superiors you may be promoted to supervise up to three other paper pushers, which is equally boring but pays an extra fifty-two seventy-five a week.

House Husband
Struggle against time to take down the drapes, get them washed and back up again before your wife gets home to complain about how you didn't do a very good job.  Get some chili going in the crockpot, dust the cabinets, be dragged to your wife's office Christmas party, tidy up the place, hang the duvet covers out in the sun, run to the store, swing by to pick up the kids, get them home and into a groove, get dinner on and down their throats and cleaned up after, pour yourself a double bourbon, go into your office and close the door for as long as they'll let you.  Work your way through increasing levels of difficulty, from Single 30-something to Triplets in Poverty.

Sporting Event: The Attendance
Most sports games focus on the game itself, which is perfectly understandable, but it does leave ample creative space for games about attending the game.  This thrilling new first-person rpg offers several challenges, starting with Getting Tickets, Getting There on Time, Finding Parking, Acquiring Refreshments, Seat Finding / Seat Hopping, and so on.  The final challenge, Escape Route, starts with seven minutes to go, or in the seventh inning, as you use various factors such as score, time remaining, team histories, etc. to figure out the optimal time to leave so that you 'get your money’s worth' and don't 'miss anything' but still return home as early as possible; then it's the mad dash for the car and negotiating bumper to bumper traffic so you can get the kids to bed at a decent hour and catch the highlights on tv.

Time Server II: Wage Slave
Do more or less the same stuff, over and over, 8 hours a day 5 days a week plus overtime if you're lucky, until life turns into one big exercise in killing time. Live without health insurance, without a sliver of hope for escape to a better life, live with virtually no motivation at all beyond Don't get fired and When can I get drunk, live with the fact that your next two months of salary is already owed to your creditors, live with your live-in girlfriend and her other friend that keeps crashing there and doing weird stuff like cooking in a towel.

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