21 June 2014

Post Script

[Warning: This Post Could Shock Anyone Who Understands Pyrolysis]

In response to reader inquiries regarding the frequency of new posts, which at this point remain purely hypothetical – the inquiries, not the posts, which remain all too real – but which are nonetheless anticipated, The Founder makes no promises or commitments.  New content will be slapped up in due course as it is composed and/or discovered and deemed fit for public consumption.  There will be no alerts sent out, no network will be informed and no series of electronic pulses or discreet packets of data will be transmitted to your mobile device. 

So by all means please check back now and again.  Normally new posts appear about three times a lady (“month”), one longer one mediumish and one li’l throwaway.  D’love to silly-blog as much and as sillily as possible, but we do have other things going on.  If that’s not enough for you, if you’re sitting around on the edge of your seat waiting for some new post somewhere that’s gonna blow your everlovin mind, put you off your old way of thinking and onto one that’s just worlds better, re-read the thing eleven times and then walk around muttering the phrases that stroke your funnybone, drive your pals up the wall with that crap, well here’s some news for you: you need to just slow down a little bit and stop consuming your fellow humans entirely through the medium of electronics.  

You’ve got to like log off, shut down, turn on and tune in.  I mean do you really want me, or the internet, continuously nattering in your ear?  How’s that working out for your happiness quotient, baby?  No, go put on an old Aerosmith record, what was that one, Toys in the Attic, there are some rockin tunes on there you probably haven’t heard in a coon’s age, if you ever even heard them at all.  Toss on some blue jeans, take off your top and jump in the hot tub, crack open the encyclopedia and fire up a doobie, stogie, whatever you got.  Life’s too short to waste time eating anything other than banana cream pies.

11 June 2014

Happy new Year Everybody (Prediction Review)

[Note: The following list of predictions was originally published in this space on June 12, 2010.  Four years on and what can I say?  How did I know all this stuff was gonna happen exactly like I predicted?  It's called prescience baby. The science of the pre-, dig?]

Ten Trends that will Shape the Coming Set of Years

(Starting Whenever You Read This and Extending Forward into the Future for Some Time)

There will be a trend away from everyone purchasing so much useless shit, accompanied by a trend towards going totally broke and breaking into your neighbor's house in drunken desperation and grabbing like as much loot as you can carry.

Look for a revolution or two around the world, there'll be bombs flying, sniper fire and plenty of carnage to put on TV, just a matter of getting a camera crew over there.

Total global warming will continue to accelerate, it's getting hot in here baby, you mo start to sweat. As more people heat up and jump in the ocean to cool off, water temperatures will rise, leading to a runaway feedback loop which will ultimately wreck humanity's buzz in a big way, things are bound to get bad before they get worse.

There will be a general trend away from Tiger Woods lying in consort with so many chicks, one after another or occasionally in small groups, and a trend towards him waking the [expletive deleted] up and getting his shit together, acting a little more human about the whole thing.

There will be a pronounced trend towards things staying about the same, not really a lot of significant change to talk about, with more and more people feeling generally like there's just nothing new any more, they're in a rut they can't get out of, like you've had that same job what six years now?

Characters and situations from three dimensional movies and on-line role-playing games will leak through into our physical universe, and vice versa. Or not. This one seems rather lame but hey, I'm just The Messenger.

The internet will continue expanding and will ultimately break apart, unless the pull of dark matter like this holds it together. Scientists will continue to argue the question, ironically using the internet, which cannot be held together even by force of the strongest arguments in favor of its breaking apart.

One two three four five six seven – shit. OK there will be a trend towards people running out of ideas, leading to an increase in recycled gags, as well as desperate attempts to fill up space by posting quotations they love, such as this one from WC Fields: "I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin, before breakfast."

The trend of time passing will continue, with time continuing to pass as time continues to pass and then pass some more with each passing unit of time. This will exacerbate the trend toward an aging population, with people continuing to grow older, although at wildly unpredictable rates, some aging faster and some slower, resulting in confused definitions of seniority and a new meaning to the phrase 'growth spurt.'

Sometime after 2020 the future will become totally unpredictable, but not before four of these predictions have already come true - or sort of true if you think about it enough, like with that Nostradamus stuff, use your imagination a bit, don't take everything so literally - although which four is anybody’s guess.

Is that ten yet? Wait I got one more, it's a little more specific than some of the others and thus all the more chilling: A "missing generation" of African elves will seize control of time and take over the universe, rendering most of the above trends moot at best.

[To read the original post in its native habitat, although I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that, click here.]