12 April 2014

Humans to be Deboned (Again) (Film at Eleven)

Is there a nefarious plot afoot to remove our bones? Maybe. A New World Order is coming – and it could be largely if not entirely boneless.

When I first floated this idea two years ago (passing out flyers on the red carpet outside the Animal Awards extravaganza) I was called ‘crazy’ and roughly escorted from the premises.  But much has happened since then – the long-overdue Hall & Oates reunion, a new Steely Dan album, the 75th birthday of (The Wreck of the) Gordon Lightfoot – and, in light of new evidence that the noose is tightening and our bones could be forcibly removed sooner than we think, I have decided to risk public ridicule and possible execution by drone in order to bravely revisit what may be the most important issue of our times.

First, before you label me anything, check out these photos I found of hundreds of trucks moving what appear to be a large number of de-boning machines into the basement at Dodger Stadium.  Lure 'em in for a ball game, fill 'em with beer and brats, debone 'em and send 'em home none the wiser – it's the oldest trick in the book.

Then take a close look at these satellite images of what appear to be large de-boning camps being constructed in Idaho and Wyoming.  Not so easily dismissed.

This leaked memo appears to indicate (if you read between the lines a bit) that immigration restrictions have been relaxed to fast-track things specifically for one category of employment: butchers.  In other words, trained de-boners. 

           Those who fail to study history are doomed to repeat it.

–Famous Quote

Note also the precipitous increase in boneless characters in film and television, viz. SpongeBob Squarepants and most of his pals, Butterbean on The Rosenschweig Girlz, and Joan on Mad Men appears from certain angles oddly boneless.  Word is (can’t find the link, Google it) that NBC wanted to replace Leno with a jellyfish but worried it would be a little too obvious, opting instead for Jimmy Fallon, who so far appears to have all his bones but we’re watching, won’t be at all surprised to see him slip up at some point and expose his deeply boneless nature.

Rumors of experimental de-boning of terrorists and their sympathizers at Gitmo and elsewhere remain unconfirmed but are likely true if you think about it.  You’ve seen the shots of dogs being sicced on people, and what do dogs love most?  Yep: Bones.  Ask yourself, How low have we sunk morally, as a nation, to allow the de-boning of our enemies without a fair and open trial in which they are allowed to confront and cross-examine their de-boners?

So there are in fact many signs pointing to this, nothing conclusive mind you, but it does tingle the ol' spidey sense.  Even many who would label me ‘crazy’ do not attempt to argue that it could not happen, that it’s physically impossible.  If The Powers That Be decided that the masses needed to be de-boned, it would take some mobilization but it is absolutely achievable.  It might not even be that difficult.  Many people, it seems, if promised some new gizmo or a free ocean cruise would sprint for the de-boning machines and joyously hurl themselves in.

Instead, the Doubting Edgars and Ednas
TM generally argue in terms of motive.  Why (they ask)?  Why the great deboning, and why now?
To answer this, we must begin by asking:  Cui bone-o?  (That’s Latin for ‘To whose bone-efit?’)

Off the top of my head I can think of a number of reasons, which ultimately boil down (like the proverbial soupbone) to a single reason: Control.  A boneless, spineless populace is a placid, pliant populace, manipulated simply by the pleasantly pulsating pullulations of popular polka or Penelope Purple*.   Or perhaps they want the bones for some other use, say as skeletal material for the next generation of robots. They would still make the exoskeletons out of titanium of course, but so far man has created no better material for making bones than natural human bones.  It really is that simple.

These speculations are however quite beside the point, for the burden of proof is not on those who believe but on those who do not.  Just because I can’t explain why, doesn’t mean that clear warning signs that a massive program of compulsory de-boning is already well under way can be safely ignored.  There are lots of things we don’t understand why, like tidal waves, but we still build floodwalls and insure our most valuable possessions.  No, the burden of proof is on the other side, to prove They aren’t plotting to de-bone me and everything I hold dear.

So I have a bone to pick with the de-boner skeptics, the non-de-boners or de(bo)ne(r)ialists.  Show me why I shouldn’t be obsessing about the great deboning.  Demonstrate conclusively and beyond the shadow of a doubt that I’m not about to be de-boned.  Prove it to my skeptical mind.  Is this really too much to ask?  If it’s so obvious, it should be easy to prove using demonstrable facts.

Stay “tuned” for more updates, as the situation evolves.

This is Boney McJoyless signing off, wishing all my friends a good and boneful day, or as the French say, Bone jour

*So many words with p and l, meaningful or #completelypointless? Vote now on Twongle.

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