30 April 2014

Sorry Guys (Original 12" Version)

[The following item previously appeared in this space on 07 Mar 2010. Yet it remains so so timely today, it really bears repeating because we remain just as sorry for the lack of posts on here today as we felt on that crisp autumn day in the Southern Hemisphere that this was originally published.  Which is to say, not very sorry, but with silly reservations.]

Sorry for the lack of posts lately guys. I've been busy, starting with the long overdue task of cleaning my pig's hamster's fish's bowl, but I knocked it over so I had to clean my pig's hamster's cage, then my pig's hamster itself, but I forgot to put water back in the bowl so the fish died, tried to feed it to the hamster but no interest, then fed the fish and the hamster to the pig, and finally gave the pig a bath in the fish's bowl, but it was too small and had to break some of his legs to get him in there, the squealing was deafening so had to put him down, and fed him to my neighbor's vultures. Still can't believe my pig ate his own hamster -- he raised that thing from a pup!

Then I was away for two weeks at a Hemingway Camp, learning to write short, crispy sentences like the great Cuban fisherman cum toreador himself. For example if you were gonna write "David was tired, tired of living," they'd say no no just write "David was tired of living." Stuff like that. The first week was all nouns and verbs, we were only allowed to use adjectives sparingly, and frankly it was an experience. A harrowing experience. I never realized how addicted I am to flowery, useless verbiage. The best part was at the end there was a raffle, and I won a free Bullshit Detector just like the one used by the great Cuban fisherman cum toreador himself. Unfortunately as soon as I got it home I pointed it at the internet and the damn thing exploded.

But I am back at it now and ready to post again, hopefully incorporating the lessons I learned at camp, I mean all that stuff about not using a bunch of extra words and all. We'll see.

24 April 2014

Sorry for the Lack of Posts Lately Again IV

Sorry I have not been very active around here lately, the following are some excuses I thought up while I was gone, to entertain you until I got back.

… I ran in the annual St. Elmo's Fire Marathon on TBS so I was in intensive training for that … I found an acoustic sweet spot in my bathroom and I've been in there most of the last three weeks making didgeridoo noises … Junior spit up all over my rare Aztec toaster collection … My pet cicada has vertigo and I took her to Buenos Aires for immersion therapy … For the last three weeks Boris Diaw and Kawhi Leonard have been crashing in my living room, man those guys can eat … I'm assistant coaching my son’s fantasy lingerie football team … Intervened briefly (and sadly, to little effect) in a horrific ethnic conflict in a faraway land I am not at liberty to identify … Got the shopping cart with the one bad wheel, seems like that happens every time, is it just me, I mean whoa-a-a-a … Put everything necessary for a fantastic dinner in the fridge but it froze solid into a brick and when I defrosted it the texture was all wrong, so I had to eat eggs again and just not that into blogging right now since the infestation … Trying to get back to eating right, I cut out all sweets and most sours, don't eat anything salty after hours and twice daily swallow a bitter pill … Old friend in town, cat's got my tongue, dog's wearing the cat’s pajamas and the rooster's in the doghouse playing poker with the Bassets til the chickens come home… My thesis is just not progressing the way I want it to, my advisor says that's OK it's normal to take sixteen years waffling over stupid details, even Shakespeare had his up and down days … Had Seattle added to my territory so spending extra hours connecting with distributors and store managers, socializing with key stakeholders, networking to build some solid pipelines, working hard on a detailed action plan to get us moving more units at the point of sale … Butterbean lost her first tooth and spit up all over her birthday party and came down with rickets and Little Billy's got the spastics again …

Well you get the idea, it's been a busy three weeks and then there was another busy two weeks and then one busy week right after another before a busy holiday after which things have just been so (you guessed it) busy.  You know how it is tryin to live your life to the fullest, eh folks?  I suppose I could go on and on, and on and on and on and I already have, but that would be boring and anyway I have an appointment with Destiny in half an hour.

We'll be right back, after these brief messages from you looking at other sites around the web.

Advanced Tip: To read previous variations on the 'apologies for not posting more' theme, click on the 'Sorry guys' Label below. 

12 April 2014

Humans to be Deboned (Again) (Film at Eleven)

Is there a nefarious plot afoot to remove our bones? Maybe. A New World Order is coming – and it could be largely if not entirely boneless.

When I first floated this idea two years ago (passing out flyers on the red carpet outside the Animal Awards extravaganza) I was called ‘crazy’ and roughly escorted from the premises.  But much has happened since then – the long-overdue Hall & Oates reunion, a new Steely Dan album, the 75th birthday of (The Wreck of the) Gordon Lightfoot – and, in light of new evidence that the noose is tightening and our bones could be forcibly removed sooner than we think, I have decided to risk public ridicule and possible execution by drone in order to bravely revisit what may be the most important issue of our times.

First, before you label me anything, check out these photos I found of hundreds of trucks moving what appear to be a large number of de-boning machines into the basement at Dodger Stadium.  Lure 'em in for a ball game, fill 'em with beer and brats, debone 'em and send 'em home none the wiser – it's the oldest trick in the book.

Then take a close look at these satellite images of what appear to be large de-boning camps being constructed in Idaho and Wyoming.  Not so easily dismissed.

This leaked memo appears to indicate (if you read between the lines a bit) that immigration restrictions have been relaxed to fast-track things specifically for one category of employment: butchers.  In other words, trained de-boners. 

           Those who fail to study history are doomed to repeat it.

–Famous Quote

Note also the precipitous increase in boneless characters in film and television, viz. SpongeBob Squarepants and most of his pals, Butterbean on The Rosenschweig Girlz, and Joan on Mad Men appears from certain angles oddly boneless.  Word is (can’t find the link, Google it) that NBC wanted to replace Leno with a jellyfish but worried it would be a little too obvious, opting instead for Jimmy Fallon, who so far appears to have all his bones but we’re watching, won’t be at all surprised to see him slip up at some point and expose his deeply boneless nature.

Rumors of experimental de-boning of terrorists and their sympathizers at Gitmo and elsewhere remain unconfirmed but are likely true if you think about it.  You’ve seen the shots of dogs being sicced on people, and what do dogs love most?  Yep: Bones.  Ask yourself, How low have we sunk morally, as a nation, to allow the de-boning of our enemies without a fair and open trial in which they are allowed to confront and cross-examine their de-boners?

So there are in fact many signs pointing to this, nothing conclusive mind you, but it does tingle the ol' spidey sense.  Even many who would label me ‘crazy’ do not attempt to argue that it could not happen, that it’s physically impossible.  If The Powers That Be decided that the masses needed to be de-boned, it would take some mobilization but it is absolutely achievable.  It might not even be that difficult.  Many people, it seems, if promised some new gizmo or a free ocean cruise would sprint for the de-boning machines and joyously hurl themselves in.

Instead, the Doubting Edgars and Ednas
TM generally argue in terms of motive.  Why (they ask)?  Why the great deboning, and why now?
To answer this, we must begin by asking:  Cui bone-o?  (That’s Latin for ‘To whose bone-efit?’)

Off the top of my head I can think of a number of reasons, which ultimately boil down (like the proverbial soupbone) to a single reason: Control.  A boneless, spineless populace is a placid, pliant populace, manipulated simply by the pleasantly pulsating pullulations of popular polka or Penelope Purple*.   Or perhaps they want the bones for some other use, say as skeletal material for the next generation of robots. They would still make the exoskeletons out of titanium of course, but so far man has created no better material for making bones than natural human bones.  It really is that simple.

These speculations are however quite beside the point, for the burden of proof is not on those who believe but on those who do not.  Just because I can’t explain why, doesn’t mean that clear warning signs that a massive program of compulsory de-boning is already well under way can be safely ignored.  There are lots of things we don’t understand why, like tidal waves, but we still build floodwalls and insure our most valuable possessions.  No, the burden of proof is on the other side, to prove They aren’t plotting to de-bone me and everything I hold dear.

So I have a bone to pick with the de-boner skeptics, the non-de-boners or de(bo)ne(r)ialists.  Show me why I shouldn’t be obsessing about the great deboning.  Demonstrate conclusively and beyond the shadow of a doubt that I’m not about to be de-boned.  Prove it to my skeptical mind.  Is this really too much to ask?  If it’s so obvious, it should be easy to prove using demonstrable facts.

Stay “tuned” for more updates, as the situation evolves.

This is Boney McJoyless signing off, wishing all my friends a good and boneful day, or as the French say, Bone jour

*So many words with p and l, meaningful or #completelypointless? Vote now on Twongle.