11 March 2014

Day Savings Time

[The following was originally posted on 28 September 2010, earth time.  It remains just as timely today as on the day it was published.]

The idea of daylight savings time is not as outlandish as it may at first appear, and has considerable merit from more than one point of view, videlicet energy savings.

But why stop at one hour?

The Research Department is proud to announce the new Day Savings Program, which will take effect on the first Monday after final approval by the Board.

Day Savings is simple.


Every Monday, at 2:33 pm, all clocks will be turned forward to Tuesday at 2:33 pm.

Every Saturday, at 7:15 pm, all clocks will be turned back to Friday at 7:15 pm.

The merits of this proposal need no further elucidation, yet an extensive analysis is provided below, mainly to fill up some space and allow more room to sell advertising specifically targeted at you.

On Monday afternoon, at the precise moment it begins to appear that Monday is endless, and therefore the week is endless, and therefore that one's life is an endless struggle in a sea of boredom and mediocrity, meaningless and with little hope of advance or respite, or of any joy whatsoever save that provided by escapist fantasies and/or drug-induced euphoria – boom! It's Tuesday afternoon, practically Wednesday already, and it's all downhill from here to the good times baby.

Then, on Saturday after dinner, a quick flipperoo of the calendar and here we are back on Friday evening, you just got home from work and get ready for the weekend, Darryl's having a party at his place tonight but it's not starting until later, some of us were going to see the new Basilicus flick before we head over there, text me if u wanna come with.

Opposition from the overlords has been intense, you should hear them caterwauling about how losing a day of toil from the serfs every week could result in further layoffs and damage our long-term prospects for economic growth. Nonetheless, the people of this great nation seem to agree that there's no party like the present, and that we might as well borrow as much from the future as we can because soon, the way things are going, the future may not even be there for us to borrow from.

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