The Godhead called me into The Office to take a Letter some time ago. Please don’t bother me for follow-up; It hasn't called before or since, and I’d strongly prefer not to be involved in another long-winded discussion of your blossoming 'spirituality'.
To: People of the earth and nearby worlds
Re: The way you been living
Dear earthlings et al.:
The way you been living lately is a total disgrace, it's an absolute abomination. How do you people live with yourselves any more?
Modern humans have no respect, I tell ya, people don't have no respect today. I go around disguised as poor and I get nothing but shat on, every time and usually quite quickly. You should be ashamed of yourselves. One in twenty shows signs of life, but the rest of you, Where's your humanity? You're in such a hurry that you can't even stop for two seconds to help a suffering fellow human? You're in such a rush to get where? No need to answer that, I know exactly where you're going and it's disgusting I tell you, it makes Me sick.
What is wrong with you people? Have you no sense of restraint? You are messing with the climate of your home planet and for what, so you can parade around your homebox naked in the dead of winter, or flick on some asinine new reality show about celebrity homeopaths speed-cooking alien cuisine for pawn shop dance-off-athons? I did create Most Everything but not that crap, these new shows are mostly on you.
Could you please just slow down on the consumption, and the reproduction, just settle into your groove as a species and enjoy it for a nice long while?
And for the love of yours truly, stop cutting down forests. Forests are among the very best things I have given you. "Monetizing" them is about the dumbest thing you can possibly do. So how do you allow people to become wealthy doing it? Change the rules, folks: you write ‘em.
It has also come to my Attention that more than a few of you have been maiming and killing. I expressly forbade killing and, if I forgot to specify No maiming that's my bad – although I think Do unto others kind of covers it, at least by clear implication, unless you're some kind of weirdo who gets off on being maimed.
Make music people. Learn to play an instrument, bash out a tune, join an ensemble and perform in public for free. Sing a song, dance a jig. Do this and the kingdom of heaven shall be yours. Nah just joshin' about that, don't take everything so literally folks. But do it anyway because it's about the best thing you guys do. Well not all of you god bless you, but some of you have really got it going on, you continue to surprise me which is no easy task any more, I've been around the block a few times, the big block that is if you know what I mean. (You don't.)
And talk to each other. Hardly nobody talks to nobody else any more. But you're all so lonely and miserable. Help each other out. It's pathetic.
What's that look, you expected Me to be more eloquent? Y'all can clean that up in post-production. That's why I have underlings, you know, so I don't gotta be perfect all the time. It's called delegating, folks. All part of my omnipotence.
Hey, you think it's easy bein Me? All right that's it, I don't have to listen to this. Good luck people, you're on your own. Just stop hurting each other.
Like me telling you for the thousandth time will do any good.
Peace out –
Your Creator, the Lord Godhead by Whatever Name Ye Shall Call Me
[Later found out God was extremely pissed that I published this letter, said He was just venting and made that Very Clear in The Beginning. I don't remember That but then when the voice started talking I could barely understand it, took me a while to sort of tune into the frequency, but I was nodding along and God must've thought I was getting it all. Anyway just another in a long line of misunderstandings between man and the divine I suppose, can't lose any sleep over it, not that I been sleeping much lately with this horrible plague of boils It laid on me. Thanks alot, God. Wonderful.]