27 February 2014

We Are All Individual Globules of the Great Human Biomass

[Note: The following is directed exclusively at human beings.  All spambots, web crawlers and other subhuman algorithms can piss off at this point.]

Come now my fellow humans, can't we all just get along?  Can't we focus on our commonality, work together in harmony to each pull our respective weight and dedicate our brief existences to making our tiny personal contribution to The Great Project? 

After all, we are all Human Biomass.

Sure we have our differences, the great tapestry of languages, customs, and arts, the diversity of twisted belief systems, driving habits, and weird shit they eat that runs free all across our great big global world (of today). But at the end of the day our differences cannot hold a candle to our anatomical and biochemical similarities, for though we may be unique in some small unimportant ways essentially we're all the same, indistinguishable at the chemical level, little more than individual globules of the great human biomass.

Life must really be some sort of miracle.  The universe was here first, then some galaxies it seems and then the sun, and the earth, and at some point this thing, this phenomenon we call "life" just kinda sprung out of nowhere as far as we can tell, and it grew, and spread, and now we're part of it, Homo sapiens as a species and each of us as individual human members of the human species we call humanity, here we are right here on earth (today) and – lest we forget – we are all composed entirely of chemical constituents of the great human biomass.

Why must there be wars, why would one agglomeration of sub-globules attack another and vice versa tit-for-tat-wise?  What is the point of any two human beings who are intimately linked as fellow members of the g.h.b. wasting their time and energy struggling to kill the life out of each other?  To kill another is to kill a part of oneself, to work against the spreading of humanity to all corners of the universe.  Attention, killers: when you kill another person, you are killing a part of the great human biomass of which you yourself are also a part.  So stop killing your own biomass, dude.  Get a nicer hobby, before it's too late.

An unpaid message from The Leadership, on behalf of The Great Project.

21 February 2014

American People: We Will Sing for Our Supper

The American People announced yesterday* that they were through trying to make something of themselves, that college was too hard and everyone knows you never use most of what you learn there and anyway who needs that crushing debt when all the jobs that haven’t already been shipped overseas were either not worth trying to get or would soon be outsourced to people willing to work for a third of what they would consider getting out of bed for, that they were through undertaking the years of study and countless hours of patient workmanship it takes to produce decent quality anything, they are not going to bother trying to make things any more seeing as how it can all be made more cheaply by drones or robots working at scale and besides, all opportunity for advance has long since been closed off by the encroaching arms of global trade and wage arbitrage.

Instead, they continued, from now on, we will sing for our supper.

All the folks who make all the useful stuff will earn wages and profits more than sufficient to support a vast industry of entertainers and jesters to add laughter and meaning to their lives.  And that’s where we come in.  We will produce epic films and groundbreaking television shows of every imaginable color and genre, arm and train squadrons of musicians, poets, and acrobats that will conquer the world and lay it waste with joy and tears.  We it shall be who will build the websites, compose the blogposts, edit the videos, design the theme parks and brain up the advertising campaigns until no matter what the physical circumstances of your life, you will feel you are living in the best of all possible worlds, the beautiful pinnacle of ten thousand years of human evolution.

The more you oppress us, the better our protest songs.  The farther our standard of living falls, the better the blues we sing.  Throw us a few cases of good wine and a decent casserole once in a while and you might get a Mad Men or a Mr. Show.  But keep feeding us fake-ass frankenfood and selling us mounds of cheaply manufactured crap, and it’s gonna be The View and Jersey Shore on a 24-hour loop for as far as the eye can see.

The American People then removed their hat, placed it on the ground at their feet as a receptacle for the donations of appreciative observers, and launched into a soft-shoe / ‘rappin Jack Kennedy’ routine in the hopes of earning enough for a decent macchiato to get them through the afternoon.

*The reader is advised to note that this is a rebroadcast of previously employed material, and that 'yesterday' is a relative term.

12 February 2014

God Speaks Through Me

The Godhead called me into The Office to take a Letter some time ago.  Please don’t bother me for follow-up; It hasn't called before or since, and I’d strongly prefer not to be involved in another long-winded discussion of your blossoming 'spirituality'.

To:       People of the earth and nearby worlds

Re:       The way you been living

Dear earthlings et al.:

The way you been living lately is a total disgrace, it's an absolute abomination.  How do you people live with yourselves any more?

Modern humans have no respect, I tell ya, people don't have no respect today.  I go around disguised as poor and I get nothing but shat on, every time and usually quite quickly.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.  One in twenty shows signs of life, but the rest of you, Where's your humanity?  You're in such a hurry that you can't even stop for two seconds to help a suffering fellow human?  You're in such a rush to get where?  No need to answer that, I know exactly where you're going and it's disgusting I tell you, it makes Me sick.

What is wrong with you people?  Have you no sense of restraint?  You are messing with the climate of your home planet and for what, so you can parade around your homebox naked in the dead of winter, or flick on some asinine new reality show about celebrity homeopaths speed-cooking alien cuisine for pawn shop dance-off-athons?  I did create Most Everything but not that crap, these new shows are mostly on you.

Could you please just slow down on the consumption, and the reproduction, just settle into your groove as a species and enjoy it for a nice long while? 

And for the love of yours truly, stop cutting down forests.  Forests are among the very best things I have given you. "Monetizing" them is about the dumbest thing you can possibly do.  So how do you allow people to become wealthy doing it?  Change the rules, folks: you write ‘em.

It has also come to my Attention that more than a few of you have been maiming and killing.  I expressly forbade killing and, if I forgot to specify No maiming that's my bad – although I think Do unto others kind of covers it, at least by clear implication, unless you're some kind of weirdo who gets off on being maimed.

Make music people.  Learn to play an instrument, bash out a tune, join an ensemble and perform in public for free.  Sing a song, dance a jig.  Do this and the kingdom of heaven shall be yours.  Nah just joshin' about that, don't take everything so literally folks.  But do it anyway because it's about the best thing you guys do.  Well not all of you god bless you, but some of you have really got it going on, you continue to surprise me which is no easy task any more, I've been around the block a few times, the big block that is if you know what I mean. (You don't.)

And talk to each other.  Hardly nobody talks to nobody else any more.  But you're all so lonely and miserable.  Help each other out.  It's pathetic.

What's that look, you expected Me to be more eloquent?  Y'all can clean that up in post-production.  That's why I have underlings, you know, so I don't gotta be perfect all the time.  It's called delegating, folks.  All part of my omnipotence.

Hey, you think it's easy bein Me?  All right that's it, I don't have to listen to this.  Good luck people, you're on your own.  Just stop hurting each other. 

Like me telling you for the thousandth time will do any good.

Peace out –

Your Creator, the Lord Godhead by Whatever Name Ye Shall Call Me

[Later found out God was extremely pissed that I published this letter, said He was just venting and made that Very Clear in The Beginning.  I don't remember That but then when the voice started talking I could barely understand it, took me a while to sort of tune into the frequency, but I was nodding along and God must've thought I was getting it all.  Anyway just another in a long line of misunderstandings between man and the divine I suppose, can't lose any sleep over it, not that I been sleeping much lately with this horrible plague of boils It laid on me.  Thanks alot, God.  Wonderful.]