20 December 2013

Leader Declares The Great Monetization

There is only one way out from under the massive debt sword of Damocles overhanging Civilization, only one way to get our economy moving again and that is to go ahead and monetize everything.  Yes everything.  If you read the last few sentences you owe .003 cents, payable in the coin of the realm.  Not to say you should try reading something else, since this blog is and will remain one of the cheapest things you can focus your attention on. 

Doesn't matter what you look at, from now on it all costs, just a question of how much.  Prices will be determined by market forces.  If everyone is looking at a certain hot thing it will cost more.  This will go a long way to raising the quality of popular music, TV, film, and so on, since something will actually have to be really good to be worth paying attention to while it's hot.  On the other hand, if you’re just staring up at a small corner of the sky that no one else is interested in, it will be virtually free, though a tiny charge will still apply, even the sky has to cover basic overhead.

Closing your eyes will not help – much.  While it will probably be cheaper than opening them, a contemplation tax will be levied to prevent too many people from driving around with their eyes shut.  It will still cost money to enter a sensory deprivation tank, but once inside the meter will stop running, as long as you don't think about anything too interesting.

Staring into space will become prohibitively costly for the broad masses (the erstwhile hoi polloi) and thus be adopted as a status symbol by the elite. 

Handshakes, hugs, sunsets ... no one is giving this stuff away any more.   No one is giving away nothing.  They can't afford to, because if nothing is what people want, market forces will drive up the price until nothing costs more than something.  That is human nature, it's inevitable and it's a done deal so get used to it.

You want me to get you a glass of water?  Sure, I'll give you a discount because you're a guest in my house, and I was gonna get myself something to drink anyway -- but that kind of friendship only goes so far these days.  I'm gonna have to charge you a small something.  I gotta stay in business, man, I got quarterly revenue targets to meet.

Sensors attached to your every nook and cranny will record your consumption of the various elements and emissions of biochemical byproducts, and transmit the results directly to Accounts Payable for instantaneous processing.  For your whole life, you'll be continuously running up bills and paying them off in real time.  Don't worry, it will cost a bit more but won't feel much different, and just think of the convenience!

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