Hi, I'm Dennis – hahaha gotcha, my real name is Ishmael! Using a false name is one way you can shorten your travel time but it does put you at risk of arrest these days, and that's why it's only number fifteen on my list of Top Twenty-Seven Travel Time Saving Tip Busters. So here come de tips, which you are welcome to read for free as long as you stick around afterwards and help clean up.
Don't underpack or overpack. Pack exactly the things you will need, not one jot more nor tittle less. Then pack one luxury item such as a favorite model train set or an anvil.
Get to the airport several hours early. Most airports will let you sit on the furniture free during the in-termina(b)l(e) pre-departure wait. Some of the chairs have armrests specifically designed for relaxing and reinvigorating human arms. A variety of foods, beverages, and other useful items are generally on sale at all hours. If you can find a seat in one of the bars, you can have a drink and/or a meatball sandwich while you watch the game. The health benefits of sitting around for hours bored out of your skull before flying may include reduced jet lag, who knows – so far only seven scientific publications in refereed journals contradict this assertion, and we all know that these days science, like referees, can be bought.
Related tip: there’s a chick/dude in the VIP lounge at Stacey Augmon International Airfield who if you look at her/him with raised eyebrows and say 'something' will rub your feet up against twin cedar blocks wrapped in velvet sandpaper* for twenty minutes for 75 cents. Tell them Dennis the Travelin' Denholm sent you.**
To avoid long security lines, sneak through in your own checked bag. Be sure to request extra cracker packets before you seal yourself in. Once you are in the luggage hold, it should be easy enough to climb out of the suitcase and into any available seats in first class. Think I saw a guy do this in a movie once.
If you do elect to splurge on a seat in the passenger cabin, push your way on to the plane first regardless of where your seat is, as the first one on gets the prime storage space. Bags with my new Inflate-A-Pouch ("The inflatable pouch") on the outside easily fit inside any overhead storage bin and can then be inflated to take up all of the remaining space so that no one else tries to stuff their bloated carry-on into your overhead storage bin.
Once seated, stare straight ahead and put yourself into a wonderful dreamlike trance, where you're on a magic bus heading for Shangri-La-La Land, with live entertainment and a relaxed vibe in the place, lots of happening people and great drink specials, you can stroll around the grotto for a while, take a relaxing dip under one of seven artificial waterfalls or perhaps enjoy a shiatsu massage from Burt Bacharach.
Most people use the drink tray only for drinks and drinking, plus eating or writing, but since it is the main piece of furniture in your seat area you must make better use of it than that. Add some shelf units and a loft to the drink tray, maybe a deck off the back or a basement if you have access to a back hoe, to increase your available square footage. Curl up on the tray and have a nice long nap. Enjoy a picnic and fly a kite on the south lawn. Step out onto its balcony for a breath of fresh air and fantastic view of the skyscape.
What's the best way to avoid neck pain (he asked rhetorically)? Ha ha ha that's my little secret – for now. Until next time, or, as the Italian-Americans say, arrivederci suckers.
Tune in "next time" for another enlightening installment from Ishmael Denholm the Travelin' Fella, coming this fall to an internet website near you.