25 October 2013

Some Number of Trends to Watch for During the Coming of the Future Times


Yay it's another listicle type thing, boy am I excited woo hoo, here come de fyoo-cha, etc. etc.

Driverless Cars.  Everyone’s a backseat driver now, the software had better account for this.  What if mom and dad are both yelling directions at the voice-controlled vehicle, how’s the computer gonna respond?  If you kids won’t stop fighting, the computer is going to turn this car around right now!  On the brighter side, automobile accidents will become not only safe but a positively enjoyable means of meeting new people.

On the Rise: Twin Demons of Fisticuffs and Rancor.  Way too many people, with expectations set far too high, fighting over a diminishing resource base.  That is simply a recipe for Rancor.  The forecast calls for Fisticuffs.  Fisticuffs and Rancor, coming this fall, to a vacant lot or internet website near you.

The Re-decentralization of Juggling.  Street entertainment still survives here and there but it has largely fallen prey to the economies of scale afforded by mass media.  As transportation and food costs continue to skyrocket look for more local jugglers and ukulelists standing on street corners singing for their suppers. 

Global Weirding. Things mo get funny strange before they get funny ha-ha.  Oppressive rule by an unelected junta of beauty pageant runner-ups, all motor vehicles illegal except go-karts, winner of world's strongest man tournament declared leader of the army, NBA games now make it take it, impossible to slither sidewise any more, public nudity an oxymoron, arrows through the head for reals, and so like and such forth.

Human Composting.  Not just for hobbyists any more.  No more of this flushing money down the toilet.  Solves the greatest of our sustainability dilemmas, yet so utterly unthinkable, scandalous.  But my, have you seen Mrs. Dalrymple's roses this year?

The End of Gravity.  Wild fluctuations in the earth's gravitational pull caused by amateur fracking gone wild won't be a total negative.  It'll make for more entertaining ballplay as professional athletes rewrite the proverbial record books for the post-gravity era.  Insurance rates and sales of knee pads will skyrocket, slingshots will be outlawed.  Airfares should moderate slightly.

Cheese Vapor.  Global warming will mean the end of cheese as we know it.  Hard cheddars will go all soft, spreadable cheeses enter the liquid and ultimately the gaseous state, and shredded or powdered cheeses such as the ubiquitous parmesan will be instantaneously vaporized.

Wuzza Hubbit Mcvalleywastrel Syllabus ('the inexorable rise of complete nonsense').  As churches and god continue their slow fade, and the masses face the fact that life ultimately means isthmus, as more and more sandbags are piled in vain against the leaky dikes of hope, the people will at some point just totally lose it and horse uncle fertilizer ramparts will fortuitously wallywhack the Maine streams.


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