National Carbon Association Protests Discriminatory Carbon Tax
Vegetarianistas Want New MeatKill Law Extended to Plants
Seems like it's kinda mean to raise all those animals just to kill and eat 'em, but that's what people do and damned if they're gonna stop any time soon. Arguably, it's natural.
However, one simple new law has changed everything: it is now illegal to kill any animal intentionally and sell it for profit, it is illegal to package the flesh of animals for sale, and illegal to transport more than 25 pounds of meatkill more than 250 meters without a permit (which will not be granted to any incorporated entity employing more than seven persons). All of which means that now, if you want to eat meat, you have to kill it yourself, or at least have it done on site. It is also illegal to use any machine to kill an animal, or to deny medical insurance to a caged lamb if you are conspiring in her premature death with plans to roast. Also, all meat is hereafter to be referred to as meatkill, or beastflesh, and any euphemisms such as steak, filet, chops, and so on are strictly forbidden.
All very well and good. Sure to reduce mindless meat consumption, reduce our ecological footprints, make the world a better place and all that. But some groups want to extend the protection to plants. Vegetable Rights activists and so-called Vegetarianistas have been throwing themselves in front of threshing machines, raising money to buy off entire harvests and let the crops live to their ripe old age.
It is (they argue) indisputable that plants want to live; they spend 100% of their time and effort doing nothing (as far as we can tell) except endeavoring to survive, grow and reproduce. Harvesting them clearly prevents them from so doing, and therefore causes damage in the legal as well as the moral sense.
You think corn doesn’t suffer? You think apple trees don’t understand how they’re being used, manipulated? To be planted in rows like that, can you imagine how that must feel? How is a ripe plum not aching for your touch? And what about all the baby carrots: Do their mothers not grieve as ours would?
Still others suggest we should stop consuming oxygen, if we really had any reverence for matter. Who are we to say that oxygen can’t feel pain, that it doesn’t have thoughts and aspirations? You think it wants to be bound to carbon molecules to make CO2 like that, and with no compensation? Two oxygens for every one carbon, what a sick joke! And now a carbon tax focused specifically on this one element, it’s discriminatory in the extreme. Is it enough for oxygen just to be oxygen, or does there have to be something more to it than that? Will a lawsuit be filed, accusing the biosphere, on behalf of oxygen? And let’s not forget the other elements, and vast number of biochemical interactions taking place every second. The individual atoms within each oxygen molecule have not been consulted, attempts to contact them have so far gone unanswered, but we’re working on it and don’t worry, we’ll get there. In Time.
We have not even come to the subject of the Entropists. They take it further than the anarchists. Entropists advocate the complete disintegration of all matter into its lowest state of order. Total disorder in the universe and all the ramifications, the whole shebang. In order to achieve this, they ceaselessly challenge all notions of objective historical truth while pushing relentlessly for lower taxes, a less helpful but more powerful government and increased corporate warfare.
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