25 October 2013

Some Number of Trends to Watch for During the Coming of the Future Times

Yay it's another listicle type thing, boy am I excited woo hoo, here come de fyoo-cha, etc. etc.

Driverless Cars.  Everyone’s a backseat driver now, the software had better account for this.  What if mom and dad are both yelling directions at the voice-controlled vehicle, how’s the computer gonna respond?  If you kids won’t stop fighting, the computer is going to turn this car around right now!  On the brighter side, automobile accidents will become not only safe but a positively enjoyable means of meeting new people.

On the Rise: Twin Demons of Fisticuffs and Rancor.  Way too many people, with expectations set far too high, fighting over a diminishing resource base.  That is simply a recipe for Rancor.  The forecast calls for Fisticuffs.  Fisticuffs and Rancor, coming this fall, to a vacant lot or internet website near you.

The Re-decentralization of Juggling.  Street entertainment still survives here and there but it has largely fallen prey to the economies of scale afforded by mass media.  As transportation and food costs continue to skyrocket look for more local jugglers and ukulelists standing on street corners singing for their suppers. 

Global Weirding. Things mo get funny strange before they get funny ha-ha.  Oppressive rule by an unelected junta of beauty pageant runner-ups, all motor vehicles illegal except go-karts, winner of world's strongest man tournament declared leader of the army, NBA games now make it take it, impossible to slither sidewise any more, public nudity an oxymoron, arrows through the head for reals, and so like and such forth.

Human Composting.  Not just for hobbyists any more.  No more of this flushing money down the toilet.  Solves the greatest of our sustainability dilemmas, yet so utterly unthinkable, scandalous.  But my, have you seen Mrs. Dalrymple's roses this year?

The End of Gravity.  Wild fluctuations in the earth's gravitational pull caused by amateur fracking gone wild won't be a total negative.  It'll make for more entertaining ballplay as professional athletes rewrite the proverbial record books for the post-gravity era.  Insurance rates and sales of knee pads will skyrocket, slingshots will be outlawed.  Airfares should moderate slightly.

Cheese Vapor.  Global warming will mean the end of cheese as we know it.  Hard cheddars will go all soft, spreadable cheeses enter the liquid and ultimately the gaseous state, and shredded or powdered cheeses such as the ubiquitous parmesan will be instantaneously vaporized.

Wuzza Hubbit Mcvalleywastrel Syllabus ('the inexorable rise of complete nonsense').  As churches and god continue their slow fade, and the masses face the fact that life ultimately means isthmus, as more and more sandbags are piled in vain against the leaky dikes of hope, the people will at some point just totally lose it and horse uncle fertilizer ramparts will fortuitously wallywhack the Maine streams.

Related posts:


19 October 2013

Our New Advertising Campaign

We wish to appeal to the sophisticated urban elites, make them understand viscerally that we represent all to which they aspire.

On the other hand we are at heart the blog of the common person, the off-road vehicle drivin', deep-fried roast pork eatin', freedom lovin' everyman of the untamed frontier.

Designing a single advertising campaign that simultaneously appeals to these two divergent demographics has proved, as one might imagine, a rather tough nut to crack.

But crack it we shall, and did.

Our new commercial is set in a bar or public house.  In a dim corner, a man in rimmed spectacles sits reading The Odyssey by the light of a glass of the establishment's proprietary winter harvest nuthatch ale.  Not far away, bearded brutes in flannel shirts throw darts at shuffleboarders and strike each other about the head and neck with bottles of Buschweiser Dry-Ice Lite.  Suddenly an unearthly shaking rocks everything, the power goes out and a stunned second later the walls are blown in – enemy missile attack!  Explosions splash debris everywhere.  A pinball machine is flying towards one of the big butch dudes; the poet spots it and, squinting through a shattered spectacle, launches himself through the air to knock the dude out of its path.  But when he hits brawny guy he's too puny to knock him over, he just kinda sticks to him.  Hulk looks down puzzled, poet meekly points up, dude looks up in time to catch the pinball machine and fling it through the air where it hits the alien spacecraft hovering just outside and blows it to (what else) smithereens.  Name on dude's breast patch: Ulysses.  As the bar bursts into relieved elation, the two fist bump and raise their glasses.

This simple engaging scenario has the advantage of looking like a beer commercial while dog-whistling some of the pillars of Western Culture (broadly understood), thus appealing to all sides and subtly reinforcing our brand marketing message.  So far in focus groups the response has been heavily positive, but the concept remains untested against the broader swath of public opinion as represented by discerning internet readers like yourself.

Your feedback is therefore requested.  Please send a double sawbuck along with some opal-scented silly string and a DNA sample to One Oliver Crossing Station, Pine Nuts Georgia, Alabama 13 Florida 7 (half), Pittsburgh, Appomattox, etc. etc.  In the subject line of your message, please specify whether you are a stuffed shirt or an apish hick.

09 October 2013

Social Trends Review: Society Moving Quickly in Every Direction

National Carbon Association Protests Discriminatory Carbon Tax

Vegetarianistas Want New MeatKill Law Extended to Plants

Seems like it's kinda mean to raise all those animals just to kill and eat 'em, but that's what people do and damned if they're gonna stop any time soon.  Arguably, it's natural.

However, one simple new law has changed everything: it is now illegal to kill any animal intentionally and sell it for profit, it is illegal to package the flesh of animals for sale, and illegal to transport more than 25 pounds of meatkill more than 250 meters without a permit (which will not be granted to any incorporated entity employing more than seven persons).  All of which means that now, if you want to eat meat, you have to kill it yourself, or at least have it done on site.  It is also illegal to use any machine to kill an animal, or to deny medical insurance to a caged lamb if you are conspiring in her premature death with plans to roast.  Also, all meat is hereafter to be referred to as meatkill, or beastflesh, and any euphemisms such as steak, filet, chops, and so on are strictly forbidden. 

All very well and good.  Sure to reduce mindless meat consumption, reduce our ecological footprints, make the world a better place and all that.  But some groups want to extend the protection to plants.  Vegetable Rights activists and so-called Vegetarianistas have been throwing themselves in front of threshing machines, raising money to buy off entire harvests and let the crops live to their ripe old age.

It is (they argue) indisputable that plants want to live; they spend 100% of their time and effort doing nothing (as far as we can tell) except endeavoring to survive, grow and reproduce.  Harvesting them clearly prevents them from so doing, and therefore causes damage in the legal as well as the moral sense. 

You think corn doesn’t suffer?  You think apple trees don’t understand how they’re being used, manipulated?  To be planted in rows like that, can you imagine how that must feel?  How is a ripe plum not aching for your touch?  And what about all the baby carrots: Do their mothers not grieve as ours would?

Still others suggest we should stop consuming oxygen, if we really had any reverence for matter.  Who are we to say that oxygen can’t feel pain, that it doesn’t have thoughts and aspirations?  You think it wants to be bound to carbon molecules to make CO2 like that, and with no compensation?  Two oxygens for every one carbon, what a sick joke!  And now a carbon tax focused specifically on this one element, it’s discriminatory in the extreme.  Is it enough for oxygen just to be oxygen, or does there have to be something more to it than that?  Will a lawsuit be filed, accusing the biosphere, on behalf of oxygen?  And let’s not forget the other elements, and vast number of biochemical interactions taking place every second.  The individual atoms within each oxygen molecule have not been consulted, attempts to contact them have so far gone unanswered, but we’re working on it and don’t worry, we’ll get there.  In Time.

We have not even come to the subject of the Entropists.  They take it further than the anarchists.  Entropists advocate the complete disintegration of all matter into its lowest state of order.  Total disorder in the universe and all the ramifications, the whole shebang.  In order to achieve this, they ceaselessly challenge all notions of objective historical truth while pushing relentlessly for lower taxes, a less helpful but more powerful government and increased corporate warfare.

Related posts:  Let Live Live FAQ