11 September 2013

Plant Gift Ideas

Oh dear, every year it’s the same dilemma: What to get your plants for the upcoming shopping/gift-giving jamboree?  Since most plants don’t appreciate clothing or perfume, this simple practical guide is chock full of tips for other stuff you can buy for your "li'l greenies" to cheer them up during the dismal holiday season otherwise known as life on earth.

Plant Toys.  Raise happy, engaged plants, not sullen, distracted types.  Climbing structures are appropriate.  Educational toys should be purchased with discretion: make sure to submit your plants to standardized testing to properly assess their developmental level before you waste your money on something embarrassingly off the mark.  Cars, bicycles and other forms of transportation are generally inappropriate, although some potted ferns are known to enjoy snowmobiling, they say they never had anything like that growing up.

Most plant foods are boring, reduced to their basic chemical constituents with little regard for flavor or texture.  This year give Wolfbane Pup's new line of fresh-frozen microwave-defrostable sweet-to-eat Gourmet Plant Snack'Ums.  What better way to reward your young plants after a particularly strong flowering or crop.  Plants love 'em and so will your kids, so definitely keep these puppies locked away on a high shelf.

Grow lights are considered slightly offensive as they carry an element of criticism: Are you suggesting my stalks aren't thick enough, my fruits insufficiently succulent?  However, colored bulbs or track lighting may appeal to certain of the more flamboyant subshrubs such as the Dwarf Hairy Penstemon.

Many plants do like to read but most prefer to read books written by other plants, which are unfortunately not sold in most human book stores and notoriously difficult to recognize even when you're staring one right in the face.  Fortunately this problem is easily sidestepped through the use of gift certificates.

The best present you can give your plants is a nice sunny spot in some good nutrient-rich soil with plenty of water and a healthy ecosystem of (micro)flora/fauna plus a decent selection of music and for god’s sake clean the bathroom once in a while.

Got any great plant gift ideas?  Sure you do.  Share.

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