09 August 2013

The Sun is Not Our Friend


"Ooh look at the nice bright sun up there in the sky, it makes all the flowers grow and warms my lover's butt cheeks, the sun is our bestest buddy and pal forever," and so on and so forth. Such naivete is no longer tolerable when our very survival is at stake.

In an earlier dispatch, I noted how humanity can never achieve energy independence as long as we are dependent for 100% of our energy on the sun, which is not even a democracy and freely provides its energy to our sworn enemies the terrorists.

On further reflection, it occurs that I have not taken this thing nearly far enough.

The sun is the primary driver of global warming, a far bigger factor than carbon dioxide or methane levels in the atmosphere.  The simplest solution to global warming is for the sun to exercise some restraint and gradually turn down the heat a tad.  But so far it has been stubborn (downright recalcitrant) in refusing to adjust its output.  Worse, the sun does not even acknowledge our existence.  When we offer conciliatory gestures it responds with dead silence, while continuing to furiously hurl solar flares and dangerous beta particles in every direction.

Even if we could somehow supply all of our energy needs from solar and wind power, the solution is still not sustainable because the sun itself lacks a long-term sustainable energy strategy: the sun relies completely on nuclear.  We all know how heavily subsidized the nuclear energy sector is here on earth, there's no telling what level of subsidies the sun provides its own nuclear energy industry, since this is just one of many core issues on which it fails to maintain transparency.

Apart from these subsidies, the main argument against nuclear power on earth is the hazardous waste disposal problem, poisoning the world for future generations and all that.  The sun's nuclear energy sector dwarves ours.  So how does it deal with the nuclear waste disposal issue?  The answer is that as far as we can tell from years of detailed observations, the problem is simply being ignored.  The sun is continuously creating unfathomable amounts of highly radioactive nuclear waste, and the whole mess is being dumped directly into our solar system, our living room, without even the smallest effort devoted to treatment or the creation of long-term storage facilities.  The sun is by far the solar system's largest polluter, it's not even close.

Consider also the sun's well-known long-term expansionist policy.  If we know that its continued (inexorable) growth will swallow the earth in a few to several billion years, and if it continues to show no interest in negotiation or conciliation, what choice does that leave us?  Several billion years may seem like a long time, and it is.  We've got time for proper planning to do this thing right.  Still, if someone or something is bent on your distraction – sorry, destruction – it is generally advantageous to strike first.

Therefore, if we cannot come to terms with the sun, we have but one option: attack.  In an upcoming series of posts I’ll talk more about why a war with the sun is not only inevitable but highly desirable, and why it's gonna be a lot more fun if we just go ahead and attack now rather than sit back and rely on some hopeless combination of negotiation and accommodation (dare I use the word appeasement), as well as some basic strategies for how we can win the damn thing in a rout (by turning the sun's own strength against it) and extract major concessions from our gigantic neighbor that will ensure the survival and prosperity of our descendants and our way of life into perpetuity, or at least until the proverbial cows come home to roost.

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