31 July 2013

Classy Boarding Call

Ladies and gentlemen thank you very much for your feigned patience, we're ready to begin our preliminary secret pre-boarding of RedactedTM Airlines flight four five seven five two with service to Saint Brisbane and parts beyond.  

At this time all Upper Class passengers, that includes passengers with net worth over say fifteen or twenty mill, anyone who employs a butler or a livery boy, or it's too far to walk from your house to the entrance to your estate, those with subsidiary companies or substantial overseas holdings – basically if you have to ask, you don't belong – upper crust passengers please come forward for boarding in lane 1, that's the lane strewn with rose petals, and don't forget to pick up your dividend checks for earnings on your portfolio during this gruelling four-minute wait, for which we do apologize again but we had to scrub the stench of riff-raff off the plane first, you understand.  While we're boarding our upper class passengers we'd like to remind the rest of you no jeering or catcalling, these people have earned everything they own and deserve to be worshipped, not pelted with wet stinkies. 

Okay at this time we'll begin boarding all of our Upper Middle Class passengers, that includes people with net worth between several hundred thousand and several million dollars or so, those with BMWs or Lexuseses, or with professional degrees who really don't work very hard yet bring home way more than they can reasonably spend, passengers who repeatedly take vacations on other continents, or own an extra house or three, if your kids are at an exclusive private school, you have a golf club membership, a nice inground pool or a cellar full of expensive wines, we'll go ahead and board you now in lane 2, you'll notice the carpet is a wee bit softer and we do wish you a nice flight.  

For passengers traveling with small children, please strap your child snugly into one of the carrying cases provided, one child per case, please don't give them any stuffed animals as they could easily suffocate, kiss them softly on the forehead before stuffing in the gag and tossing them on the pile over here to my right, they'll be loaded on by forklift just before takeoff.

Now let's board our Middle Class and Working Class passengers, that'll be people with decent jobs, anyone living comfortably but not saving much if anything, who could be destitute within a year by a downsizing or a medical crisis, teachers, construction workers and retail managers, people who own one car they bought new and if they have a second car they got it used or it's old, anyone whose ATV or snowmobile is beat up because you actually use it, or who owns a boat less than 18 feet in length, or an aboveground pool, if you used to have season tickets but can’t afford it any more … middle and working class passengers please come forward for boarding in lane 3.

Okay at this time all Lower Class passengers are free to board, that means all the rest of you, poor huddled slackjawed masses yearning to breathe freely through your noses, those of you without steady income or who work at iHop but you’re thinking of quitting because it sucks, if you have less than $75 to your name but you have a check coming next week … well this is getting sad and I'd rather not continue, you know who you are, lower class masses just shove yourselves up to the front here and try not to drool all over each other please, you'll each get your small bag of crackers without clawing anybody's eyes out.

And finally before we push away from the gate here we'd like to board all liars, mountebanks and architects, sniveling ingrates, any kleptomaniacs traveling with small children, ventriloquists or their acolytes, anybody with a cousin in Cincinnati, invertebrates, sesquipedalians, bilingual drag queens, and inter-dimensional beings … please propel yourselves forward and we'll get you strapped to the side of the plane and ready for take-off just as quickly as possible here now, thanks so much.

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