Decided to shift the focus a little here, don't want to alienate the current audience so will keep trying to produce the goofy comic essays for which I have yet to win numerous accolades, but gotta grow the base a little bit, they say blog your passion so been thinking for a while now about blogging more about one of my big passions in life: vacuum cleaners. Hey, they don't suck.
So for the next six months or so I'm planning a series of posts on all things vacuum cleaner.
[Please imagine that inserted here is a photo of a classic vacuum cleaner model, maybe a 1950s housewife vacuuming thing if that's not too sexist, or you can put a 50s square man in a tie behind the vacuum if you like. Or a frickin kangaroo in spandex vacuuming Westminster Abbey for all I care – it's your imagination – just make sure it includes a classic vacuum cleaner, please, for continuity's sake.]
Not only classic vacuum cleaners but also the new models. And now there's roombots, which are like little robot vacuum cleaners. What other surprises does the future hold in store for vacuum cleaner enthusiasts and their robotic vacuum cleaner overlords?
Taking a look in my crystal ball here, I'm seeing a few things. One is the emergence of precision vacuuming. Instead of just sucking up everything within a certain area, future vacuum cleaners will be equipped with sensors that relay information down to the molecular level about what is in the sucking path and then regulate the direction and force of the sucking to as to vacuum up only what is to be removed and nothing more. It's quite an exciting development, frankly.
The second major trend is miniaturization. This is enabled in part by the decrease in nozzle sizes and increases in sucking power predicted by Moore's So-Called Law. From the large industrial size models of the 1960s and 70s, some of which could barely fit inside the average two bedroom apartment, to the handheld 'dustbusters' of the 80s and 90s, vacuum cleaners have shrunk at a steady rate and it is predicted (somewhere) (I'm assuming) (I mean you find someone predicting almost anything if you Google hard enough) that the era of the nano-vacuum is at hand.
Miniaturization enables our third major trend and that is embedded vacuuming. Instead of a separate vacuum cleaner you keep in the hall closet or even a home wall-tube system, everything will have a vacuum cleaner embedded within it. So for example a coffee table or a nightstand or even a chest of drawers will come equipped with tiny but powerful vacuums continuously handling dust and debris removal in its immediate vicinity. Similarly, the fibers in our t-shirts could contain eentsy li'l vacuums sucking up dust so that our clothes would not only be forever clean but also kinda tingly, in a good way.
Other trends to watch: Vacuum cleaners which serve as wireless routers and even small-scale data farms, on which we can watch YouTube videos, call friends so we can chat while we're vacuuming, maybe a vacuum cleaner you can wear on your wrist, it tells the time and displays your e-mail, shows you which of your friends are concurrently vacuuming and offers the option to chat with them about vacuuming in real time, meanwhile efficiently inhaling all unwanted debris particles and beaming them wirelessly to the nearest garbage center for analysis and processing so that your vacuum can display targeted advertising based on all the shit being sucked out of your carpets.
Next week we'll take a behind-the-scenes look at some of the prominent vacuum cleaner designers of the 20th Century, we'll recount the juiciest of their peccadilloes and indiscretions and then analyze in nauseating detail how the vacuum cleaner designs of the previous generation of vacuum cleaner designers have influenced the vacuum cleaner designs of the current generation of vacuum cleaner designers.