Every year list season kind of sneaks up on me and catches me with my hips down, can't believe it's already time for another stupid post full of idiotic lists of the best and worst of the past / upcoming set of twelve months. But it is, and as always, we aim to disappoint.
Top Ten Places Not to Get Impaled in 2013-14
- Puerto Vallarta (the beaches are wonderful and the nightlife vibrant)
- Dallas-Ft. Worth area (fleas and ticks in summer)
- Mammoth Lakes, CA (ski in winter, hike in summer, avoid being impaled spring and fall)
- Trekking in the Himalayas (never get impaled while traveling abroad, bureaucratic nightmare)
- Boating accident (ouch – that's gonna leave a mark)
- Krakow (you can pull the impaled off the pole but you can't pull the pole out in Poland)
- Pretty much anywhere (can you imagine being impaled?)
Some Number of Things Which Neither Kill You Nor Make You Stronger
- High-fructose corn syrup
- Niggling / Nitpicking
- Pronouncing the word 'guitar' with the accent on the first syllable (country style)
- Farming mealworms
- Science fiction
- Marmalade / Marmaduke
- Shrubs / Shrubbery
- Eddie DeBartolo, Jr.
Seven Places You Absolutely MUST Visit Next Year
- The homes of your living ancestors (it's been way too long man) [Image: Living room, Grandma in her chair shawled and blanketed, three adults and a teen standing around still in their coats]
- Local used bookstores (they're dying you know) [Image: Dying used bookstore]
- The bathroom (for god's sake stop going on the carpet) [Bathroom with door ajar, sunlight streaming out like it's heaven in there]
- The dentist's office (before it's too late) [Family rockin at the beach, Uncle Ferguson holding his jaw wincing]
- The five and dime (you need number 3 envelopes and a new fedoinger thingy) [Classic Woolworth's]
- Yosemite National Park (a top destination for tourism and recreation) [Shot of bear, Half Dome in background, farting in man's face]
- Your friend in the hospital (if any) [Patient in hospital bed with multiple tubes in, sunken sallow eyes, in background teens playing beach volleyball]
(Top) Several Phrases You Hear All the Time You Didn't Realize Were the Meaning of Life
Be kind, rewind.
I really appreciate it.
I'm not sure.
No cryin, keep tryin.
When donkeys fly.
I’ll get back to you.
Shut the fuck up.
Phrases Slash Stylings I Sure Could Stand to See Less Of on Internet (No Offense but Personally I Find Them a Little Overplayed / Too Cute for Butte)
See what I did there?
Periods. Between. Words. For. Emphasis.
Well played, sir.
Fixed that for you (special award for most annoying).
Top Several Awesome Legendary Television Shows I Have Never Seen a Single Whole Episode Of (Which) (But I Promise To Watch ASAP, Honest)
- Arrested Development
- The Wire
- The Sopranos
- The Bob Denver Show
- Breakin’ Bad (Electric Boogaloo)
- The Office (UK version)
- Danny’s Cheeseburger and Fumarole Café (Bahrain version)
- Louis CK is supposed to be pretty good, I bet he makes funny cracks on his show
- Plus a hat tip to the many great shows I’ve never heard of, the unknown unknowns
Great Books and/or Authors I Absolutely Must Read That I’m Highly Likely to Enjoy That I’ve Never Cracked and Lord Knows if I Ever Will, I’m Not Getting Any Younger
- Ulysses (James Joyce version)
- Infinite Jest or anything longer than a magazine article by DF Wallace
- Heartbreaking Work or anything by Eggers
- PG Wodehouse
- Rabbit stuff by Updike
- Philip K. Dick and/or HP Lovecraft, maybe Ray Bradbury
- Maybe Raymond Chandler, or Ian Fleming-type stuff
- Looking forward to reading Albert Brooks’ new novel
- JK Rowling (the JK stands for just kidding you man)
Top Three Things I Don’t Even Know That I Don’t Know (The Unknown Unknowns)
Have to get back to you on this one.
Top One Totally Favorite Actor and the Top Reason Why
Gene Wilder, I mean wow, he imbued every role with manic comic emotional subtext, he's bizarre, where is he from anyway, oh Wackypedia says he's from Wisconsin, wait can that be right?
Bonus Quiz: Which Rosenschweig Girlz Character Are You?
Please utilize the following quiz to determine which character from the popular hit series The Rosenschweig Girlz you are like totally like.
Are you Jenny? Are you Raphael? Are you Argonaut Pam? Are you Butterbean? Tamara? Shad'N'Floyd? Chiropractor Douglas? Brett? Victoria? Ellis?
If you answered yes to any of the above, then that's the character you are (dummy). If not, you must by the process of elimination be either Ashley or Creampuff. To figure out which, simply ask yourself if you are one and if the answer is no, yer the other. Sheez, I have to tell you everything?
As far as which member of the Brady Bunch you are: definitely Butterbean, don't need a quiz for that, just know it in my (butter)bones.