25 April 2013

And a Little Blog Shall Lead Them

Why We Must Rise Up and Destroy the Internet Before It's Too Late – Oh Shit, It's Too Late

Without checks and balances from the other branches of infotainment, the internet is poised to become all-too-powerful.

It says here that in the next seventeen years the US will fall under the thumb of a ruthless dictatorship, but that said dictator will not be a person or political party but an extremely popular website or blog.  This blog will have the entire nation in thrall to its every pronouncement and proclamation.  News, sports, entertainment, weather – blog will have it all.  It will be composed in part by wiki, lending an element of legitimacy to the regime and making it perhaps as democratic as any government anywhere, although supreme editorial authority will rest with an unelected junta of fabulously wealthy bankers and former army dudes.  Ultimately however the blog itself will call all the shots, and challenges to its authority will be met with denial of service attacks, heat-seeking missiles, and wet willies up the wazoo.

We will have only ourselves to blame.  We are investing too much power in the internet, and we all know that absolute power corrupts, like, absolutely.  Therefore the more powerful the internet becomes, the more corrupt it will become until soon enough it will morph into a tinhorn dictator sucking the nation's lifeblood while ruthlessly stifling all dissent, brutally imprisoning the opposition and so on.

The best way to counter this trend is to look to the founding fathers and adopt the ol' separation of powers bit.  We cannot let the internet grow too strong.  It has to be checked by the other branches of infotainment.  Early on the net was adequately counterbalanced by tv and radio, newspapers, the local movie house and even the fax machine.  However, it has ruthlessly cannibalized all of these and now its power is basically unchecked (and, to paraphrase Lord Acton, unchecked power corrupts uncheckedly).  As our last lines of defense – books, walks in the woods, cold beverages, lusty sex, conversations about ideas over carefully prepared meals – crumble before its insatiable thirst for power, the one option that remains is clear to all, yet it cannot be explicitly mentioned here for fear of alerting the internet censors to dispatch their dronebots to terminate your terminal.

This is a big problem, in fact it's a doozie, a real wallypickle of a humdinger.  The internet has taken so much power that we may be effectively powerless to resist let alone overthrow it.  It tracks all human movements and communications, and even as we speak it is attempting to take over our bodies via so-called "telehealth services".  It understands our social relationships, knows who we hold most dear and where they live and work, and based on our search history it can easily deduce our weak points slash darkest fears.

Note also how it has invented for itself an innocuous term, "the cloud".  Clouds are fluffy and white; you can punch your fist right through one.  Clouds couldn't possibly be plotting to wipe out humanity, or reduce us to energy-producing pods in gooey cocoons, oh no, clouds would never do anything like that.  We can store our most intimate data in clouds, cede control of our most powerful weapons, removing any and all safeguards (not to mention failsafes).  Clouds wouldn’t hurt a fly.

Well don't you believe it, Charlie.  We are nine-tenths of the way to perdition and too dazed, distracted and divided to mount an effective response.  In a nutshell, we're pretty much [expletive deleted].

Please keep your eye on this space for important messages (encoded, of course) concerning our next steps as a species in this, the epic struggle for human survival.

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