30 April 2013

Re-Post: The Purpose

Sifting through the Archives (yes, the other day), came across this one from a few years back.  According to reliable statistics compiled by blogging software, in two-plus years of existence this post has been clicked on less than ten times.  That is less than one click for every Winnebago on earth.  No wonder it lays about every day past noon, its muffled sobbing often audible through the bedroom door. Please help this post build self-esteem by clicking on it a few times, bearing in mind that young blogposts like this are our future.

Some have inquired as to The Purpose of this ... whatever it is. A funny little question of no interest to most, but let's entertain it for a half-hour, for starters.

Please select from the following (men, you):

The purpose of this web-based entity is to earn a lot of money (or "revenue") for a large corporate conglomerate. If it fails to reach revenue targets for more than two consecutive quarters it will be shut down, and hundreds, perhaps thousands of people, good honest hardworking folks much like yourself but without the shin splints, will lose their jobs. Please give generously.

The purpose of this site is (hereby declared that it is) to provide an on-line forum for the exchange of ... whatever ... between ... certain uninterested parties ... de facto.

The purpose of this site is dedicated to the many unanswered questions surrounding nine one one. Especially the disturbing, generally ignored questions like: Who were those guys? and What the hell happened?

Later, the site was Founded as part of the latest federal stimulus plan to put millions of Americans back to work again while making an investment in a secure, energy-independent future for our children, rebuilding critical infrastructure while at the same time raising the level of discourse within the national conversation, stirring up the stew if you like, without butting in or saying something that might offend somebody, and without raising your taxes, to reinject an infusion of reinvigoration into that grandest of projects: the healing of our society, the reconstruction of the commons (as it were), the re-re-vindication of our national greatness, and, if we are half as blessed as we have to hope we must be, the triumph of the loftiest possible rhetoric.

Also, and most importantly, there are still many humans who are single, and it is hoped that this weblog can provide a comfortable and sufficiently seductive virtual space for them to meet, mingle, and start having sex together ... and maybe one day get married.

D. All of the above. The site has no purpose whatsoever. It has no goal, vision, or aim. Insofar as it came into existence it can be said to be functioning as a sounding board, allowing a select few to blow off some steam before they do any(thing) serious(ly) revolting. It could be shut down at any time and all of its readers rounded up for interrogation (or worse). We're not saying it's likely, we just think you should know the risks of reading any further, going in. It's a crazy [deleted] world we live in, man.

Your comments, though unlikely to appear here unedited, are welcome. They are read and given due consideration before I take out the best parts and pretend I wrote it myself. A word to the wise.

25 April 2013

And a Little Blog Shall Lead Them

Why We Must Rise Up and Destroy the Internet Before It's Too Late – Oh Shit, It's Too Late

Without checks and balances from the other branches of infotainment, the internet is poised to become all-too-powerful.

It says here that in the next seventeen years the US will fall under the thumb of a ruthless dictatorship, but that said dictator will not be a person or political party but an extremely popular website or blog.  This blog will have the entire nation in thrall to its every pronouncement and proclamation.  News, sports, entertainment, weather – blog will have it all.  It will be composed in part by wiki, lending an element of legitimacy to the regime and making it perhaps as democratic as any government anywhere, although supreme editorial authority will rest with an unelected junta of fabulously wealthy bankers and former army dudes.  Ultimately however the blog itself will call all the shots, and challenges to its authority will be met with denial of service attacks, heat-seeking missiles, and wet willies up the wazoo.

We will have only ourselves to blame.  We are investing too much power in the internet, and we all know that absolute power corrupts, like, absolutely.  Therefore the more powerful the internet becomes, the more corrupt it will become until soon enough it will morph into a tinhorn dictator sucking the nation's lifeblood while ruthlessly stifling all dissent, brutally imprisoning the opposition and so on.

The best way to counter this trend is to look to the founding fathers and adopt the ol' separation of powers bit.  We cannot let the internet grow too strong.  It has to be checked by the other branches of infotainment.  Early on the net was adequately counterbalanced by tv and radio, newspapers, the local movie house and even the fax machine.  However, it has ruthlessly cannibalized all of these and now its power is basically unchecked (and, to paraphrase Lord Acton, unchecked power corrupts uncheckedly).  As our last lines of defense – books, walks in the woods, cold beverages, lusty sex, conversations about ideas over carefully prepared meals – crumble before its insatiable thirst for power, the one option that remains is clear to all, yet it cannot be explicitly mentioned here for fear of alerting the internet censors to dispatch their dronebots to terminate your terminal.

This is a big problem, in fact it's a doozie, a real wallypickle of a humdinger.  The internet has taken so much power that we may be effectively powerless to resist let alone overthrow it.  It tracks all human movements and communications, and even as we speak it is attempting to take over our bodies via so-called "telehealth services".  It understands our social relationships, knows who we hold most dear and where they live and work, and based on our search history it can easily deduce our weak points slash darkest fears.

Note also how it has invented for itself an innocuous term, "the cloud".  Clouds are fluffy and white; you can punch your fist right through one.  Clouds couldn't possibly be plotting to wipe out humanity, or reduce us to energy-producing pods in gooey cocoons, oh no, clouds would never do anything like that.  We can store our most intimate data in clouds, cede control of our most powerful weapons, removing any and all safeguards (not to mention failsafes).  Clouds wouldn’t hurt a fly.

Well don't you believe it, Charlie.  We are nine-tenths of the way to perdition and too dazed, distracted and divided to mount an effective response.  In a nutshell, we're pretty much [expletive deleted].

Please keep your eye on this space for important messages (encoded, of course) concerning our next steps as a species in this, the epic struggle for human survival.

11 April 2013

Whoa Holy Heck-cats It's List Bonanza Time Again Gang, Plus Bonus Quiz

Every year list season kind of sneaks up on me and catches me with my hips down, can't believe it's already time for another stupid post full of idiotic lists of the best and worst of the past / upcoming set of twelve months.  But it is, and as always, we aim to disappoint.

Top Ten Places Not to Get Impaled in 2013-14

- Puerto Vallarta (the beaches are wonderful and the nightlife vibrant)
- Dallas-Ft. Worth area (fleas and ticks in summer)
- Mammoth Lakes, CA (ski in winter, hike in summer, avoid being impaled spring and fall)
- Trekking in the Himalayas (never get impaled while traveling abroad, bureaucratic nightmare)
- Boating accident (ouch – that's gonna leave a mark)
- Krakow (you can pull the impaled off the pole but you can't pull the pole out in Poland)
- Pretty much anywhere (can you imagine being impaled?)

Some Number of Things Which Neither Kill You Nor Make You Stronger

- High-fructose corn syrup
- Niggling / Nitpicking
- Pronouncing the word 'guitar' with the accent on the first syllable (country style)
- Farming mealworms
- Science fiction
- Marmalade / Marmaduke
- Shrubs / Shrubbery
- Band-aids
- Eddie DeBartolo, Jr.

Seven Places You Absolutely MUST Visit Next Year

- The homes of your living ancestors (it's been way too long man) [Image: Living room, Grandma in her chair shawled and blanketed, three adults and a teen standing around still in their coats]
- Local used bookstores (they're dying you know) [Image: Dying used bookstore]
- The bathroom (for god's sake stop going on the carpet) [Bathroom with door ajar, sunlight streaming out like it's heaven in there]
- The dentist's office (before it's too late) [Family rockin at the beach, Uncle Ferguson holding his jaw wincing]
- The five and dime (you need number 3 envelopes and a new fedoinger thingy) [Classic Woolworth's]
- Yosemite National Park (a top destination for tourism and recreation) [Shot of bear, Half Dome in background, farting in man's face]
- Your friend in the hospital (if any) [Patient in hospital bed with multiple tubes in, sunken sallow eyes, in background teens playing beach volleyball]

(Top) Several Phrases You Hear All the Time You Didn't Realize Were the Meaning of Life

Be kind, rewind.
I really appreciate it.
I'm not sure.
No cryin, keep tryin.
When donkeys fly.
I’ll get back to you.
Shut the fuck up.
Holy shit.

Phrases Slash Stylings I Sure Could Stand to See Less Of on Internet (No Offense but Personally I Find Them a Little Overplayed / Too Cute for Butte)

See what I did there?
Periods. Between. Words. For. Emphasis.
Well played, sir.
Fixed that for you (special award for most annoying).

Top Several Awesome Legendary Television Shows I Have Never Seen a Single Whole Episode Of (Which) (But I Promise To Watch ASAP, Honest)
- Arrested Development
- The Wire
- The Sopranos
- The Bob Denver Show
- Delocated
- Breakin’ Bad (Electric Boogaloo)
- The Office (UK version)
- Danny’s Cheeseburger and Fumarole CafĂ© (Bahrain version)
- Louis CK is supposed to be pretty good, I bet he makes funny cracks on his show
- Plus a hat tip to the many great shows I’ve never heard of, the unknown unknowns

Great Books and/or Authors I Absolutely Must Read That I’m Highly Likely to Enjoy That I’ve Never Cracked and Lord Knows if I Ever Will, I’m Not Getting Any Younger
- Ulysses (James Joyce version)
- Infinite Jest or anything longer than a magazine article by DF Wallace
- Heartbreaking Work or anything by Eggers
- PG Wodehouse
- Rabbit stuff by Updike
- Philip K. Dick and/or HP Lovecraft, maybe Ray Bradbury
- Maybe Raymond Chandler, or Ian Fleming-type stuff
- Looking forward to reading Albert Brooks’ new novel
- JK Rowling (the JK stands for just kidding you man)

Top Three Things I Don’t Even Know That I Don’t Know (The Unknown Unknowns)

Not sure.
Have to get back to you on this one.

Top One Totally Favorite Actor and the Top Reason Why

Gene Wilder, I mean wow, he imbued every role with manic comic emotional subtext, he's bizarre, where is he from anyway, oh Wackypedia says he's from Wisconsin, wait can that be right?

Bonus Quiz:  Which Rosenschweig Girlz Character Are You?

Please utilize the following quiz to determine which character from the popular hit series The Rosenschweig Girlz you are like totally like.

Are you Jenny?  Are you Raphael?  Are you Argonaut Pam?  Are you Butterbean?  Tamara?  Shad'N'Floyd?  Chiropractor Douglas?  Brett?  Victoria?  Ellis? 

If you answered yes to any of the above, then that's the character you are (dummy).  If not, you must by the process of elimination be either Ashley or Creampuff.  To figure out which, simply ask yourself if you are one and if the answer is no, yer the other.  Sheez, I have to tell you everything?

As far as which member of the Brady Bunch you are: definitely Butterbean, don't need a quiz for that, just know it in my (butter)bones.