07 March 2013

The End of Children


Another Paid Message from The Leader.

Children will have no place in our economic future.  I am sorry to break the news to my fellow humans who were planning to reproduce, as well as those whose livelihood depends on children, videlicet schoolteachers, toymakers, tobacco companies and so forth, but the end of children is nigh and we might as well just face up to that fact and face it in the face before it's too late.

This 'end of innocents' does not mean we must destroy all the current children; we can simply wait them out.  It does however mean that, until further notice, new children may not be produced or disseminated, with or without the express written consent of the guys at Jem's Banjo Repair.  Sorry, breeders: the jig is up.

A world without children will differ greatly from the child-filled world we know today.  Many cable television stations which gear their content for kids will go belly up.  Most swingsets will be torn down and the scrap metal channeled to the production of more mechanical bulls.  There may be a marginal decrease in sales of sugared breakfast cereals.

On the other hand think of the positives: No more child abuse, child slavery or screaming babies in tight spaces.  Global warming can probably be reversed without all those kids running around peeing in sinks and spewing carbon dioxide out of their grimy little snotholes.  No more rebellious teens with their saggy diaper jeans, grotesque musical tastes and prank telephone calls.  No more having to feign interest in someone else's offspring – or spend your days chasing after slash worrying about your own.  Surely there are many more positives to a world without children; readers are invited to chime in using our proprietary 'Comment Box' technology.

Regardless of how you feel about it, the end of children is the new reality.  It makes little sense to become emotional about the inevitable.

Please, think not of attempting to circumvent the new regulation; enforcement will be swift and egregiously merciless.  No one wants to impale your precious offspring any more than you want to see your precious offspring impaled.  So just don’t even think about it.  We’ll have free condoms, pills, gels, the works, it’s gonna be nuts, like an orgy without the consequences.

Finally, to those millions of never-to-be-born children of the nonexistent future: I have nothing to say.  (As if that wasn't obvious from the get-go.)

1 comment:

  1. Sioux City HaberdasherMarch 16, 2013 at 5:42 AM

    I have to disagree with this rubbish, after all a man's gotta make a living and the internet doesn't pay to be agreeable. Children will never end and you'll never take away my right to breed until you pry it from my cold dead hands.

    ReplyDelete

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