16 March 2013

New Value-Added Services (Desperately Seeking)

Revenue has been off once again this quarter and management is all over our collective ass to come up with some new value-added services.

But aside from our novel (and hugely popular) TV Wash, most of the good ideas seem to be taken.

Without the power of time travel it is very difficult to make a living in our modern economy.  But we gotta come up with something before this 3:00 meeting.

Okay, what do people need?  Food, sex, sleep, music, television, maybe a DVD player or a DVR, and a beverage.  How about a business service where they can get all that under one roof, plus it gives them a job with decent health coverage?  Maybe there's a two-for-one introductory offer, the sex and the food can be enjoyed in separate rooms (or not), plus free refills.

A better kind of food?  Seems like it's all been done.  A new drug that makes all things look like Captain Jack Sparrow?  We already have one (Piratol), but the side effects are nasty and apparently irreversible.  So, a safe new drug that immerses you instantly in your favorite Tom Hanks movie.  Besides pot I mean.

No forget that.  We are not drug dealers.  Dealing drugs be bad, and we be good.  But how to be good while increasing revenue?  This is the great moral dilemma of our time, is it not?

Let's take a quick time-out for a word from our sponsors.  Please purchase their products as it will increase revenue and get the old woman off our backs, let us get back to producing the tough hard-hitting investigative exposés on which we built and later destroyed our reputation for clean wholesome family comedy. 

We'll be right back. 

[Brief pause for commercial messages, omitted here since you’d skip through them anyway.  Ads annoy the reader and that's why this blog is ad-free, for now.  Monetization is on the way, make no mistake.  Meantime, please give generously.]

OK we're back, betcha didn’t see that coming, usually we don't come back but this time we did.

There's only one way to generate any revenue these days and that is to enter into a partnership with the Google corporation in which you slave away all day on your blog for dimes on the dollar while they use the space around the edges to sell targeted advertising at ridiculous margins.  (Their success is based on them having a permanent record of everything you've ever looked up or clicked on; you are supposed to be happy, or at least ambivalent, about this because one day one of those million ads might actually be for something you want.  Now that's convenience.)

Or, we could fire your whole department, automate / outsource / offshore / neglect all the work you guys were doing, just try to keep faking it until we get bought out or the loans come due, make sure we get cashed out before then and have another lily pad to hop to.

Or we could just ask people what they want.  People will pay for a service if they want it.  So what do you people want (to pay for)?  Please let us know fast, before they fire our ass.  And please don't say syphilis again, we tried that last quarter and let's just say we had some problems identifying our target demographic, sales and revenues failed to meet (respectively) projections and targets, we lost our shirts plus some pants that had been in the family for generations.

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