27 February 2013

Six Reasons Pancakes Will Continue to Get Worse While Laughter in General Declines and Fake Smiles Fill the Void


Unlike most websites (on today's modern internet), which would try to earn six to eight of your clicks via another inane list, we care enough about your physical and spiritual well-being to give you the whole fluffpile on one page.
 
1Rising grain prices could lead to skimping on flour quality or the substitution of 'milk flour' (calcium bicarbonate) or 'swine meal' (powdered porkbone).  This trend will affect not only pancakes but also oatmeal and meals in general.  Misnourished humans laugh less.

2Divorce is up.  This is due to four sub-reasons I'd rather not go into, suffice to say that more and happier marriages are generally positively correlated with pancake volume and fluffiness and negatively correlated with an asphyxiating sadness and loss of purpose.  It is true that many divorced daddies make excellent pancakes, but their numbers are swamped by cereal and frozen burritos.

3. It's all been done before.  So much good comedy has already been produced, it's pretty much enough.  We've seen it all already.  When you see something for the first time, you laugh harder than when you subsequently see it again (or another joke derived from the same premise).  Since the old stuff is of higher quality than the new stuff, and we've seen most of it, the quality of comedy is bound to decline and with it happiness and genuine mirth.

4. We are running out of water.  Though pancakes are normally made with milk, the cows need water to produce it plus we need it to help wash them down.  Water is a fundamental ingredient of eggs, butter, coffee in both bean and liquid form, and everything else including beer.  As prices for these things rise, we will see more parched throats and thus fewer episodes of explosive gaiety.

5. The increased reliance on pancake mixes has precipitated a precipitous decline in the pancake-making skills of the past three generations.  Left to make pancakes from scratch, kids these days have little idea how to proceed, and since the unpalatability of their first efforts is likely to discourage further experimentation, there is little hope that they will ever learn.  God did not invent pancakes in a vacuum.  We need to get more young people making pancakes and making pancakes now, and if that means taking time from education in the arts and sciences, maybe it's time to re-think where our priorities really lie.

6. Global warming means shorter winters and more picnics, the combination of which could spell doom for the pancake industry.  It will also bring a rise in social conflict and aggressiveness, which will be attacked at its root by an ever-increasing number of fake smiles.

None of the above will necessarily prevent elves from making crepes, or avert a catastrophic surge in blini production in the developing world – but that is a topic for another day.
 

3 comments:

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  2. Once again a post that jumps to premature conclusions. I'm 24 and I make killer pancakes – actually my waffles are even better – and I have several friends who also make their own. You old farts in the older generation have no idea what we youth are up to, you are so out of touch, wake up and turn off your AM radio already and get with the program, grandpa

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  3. Ouch. It is certainly heartening to hear that some young people get it, even if many, like young Denise here, insist on adopting such an impudent tone. I hope, for the sake of my grandchildren and their Sunday breakfasts, that you are teaching as many people as possible these critical life-affirming skills.

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