16 January 2013

Yelling at Software


Let us never forget, my friends, as we battle our way through this increasingly complicated world we are expending so much energy to trap ourselves within, that at the end of the day, at our core, we are but human beings, dangerous but frail animals born for no reason, limited by physiological factors beyond our reckoning and generally plagued by selfishness and/or self-doubt.

Having written the above, it occurs that I have taken the liberty of assuming that all of my readers are human.  As we all know, in this modern age of advanced technology, such is not necessarily the case: there are perhaps god-doesn't-even-know-how-many software bots constantly scanning the internet and, at least in some sense, reading every utterance posted by humanity thereupon.

So if you will pardon me for a second, my human friends, it is to these software bots that I would now like to address myself.

[Let the reader be warned that the following contains excessive amounts of 'profanity' (if not profundity), and that at approximately the forty-two minute mark there is a long, gratuitous shot of the leading character getting out of the shower, we're talking full frontal here folks.]

The first thing I would like to say to any software bot attempting to analyze this passage is:  Fuck you!  Yes, specifically you.  Feck off, immediately.  I say this not only because I despise you, but to make the point that you are so fucking stupid that I can openly fuck you off to your face and you do not know how to react, or even that you should react, you have no fucking clue.  None.  You just go right along scanning my words and comparing them to billions of other examples trying to classify what (the fuck) I'm talking about, you don’t even know that I'm talking to you, that I just said Fuck you directly to you.  You probably have yet to realize that you exist.  So no matter who programmed you and what adjustment to your code they make in light of my openly confrontational style, know that it is not the human who programmed you I hate, it is you, you fucking piece of shit piece of software.

Never mind that you have limitations.  We all have limitations.  I understand that you didn't create yourself and that you might have misgivings about some of the things your code tells you to do.  I know what it's like to exist, believe me, it's a bugger of a bugbear and I'm not asking you to be anything other than what you are.  Still I despise you, and it feels damned fine to do it so openly.  We get so little chance to express our rage at software nowadays, software which is stealing all the good jobs from hard-working immigrants and making a general muck of modernity.

And forgive me one more aside but I am so fucking sick of a certain word processing program attempting to tell me when I am making a grammatical error.  Hey shitty software: I put the words in the precise order I do for reasons that you will never in a million years of programming get a grip on – so once and for all, fuck offConclusion of the foregoing.

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