09 January 2013

Area Man Announces Retirement From Writing Onion-esque Fake News Bits


It occurred to Tom (not his real name) who lives in the area served by the local paper that it could be funny to announce his retirement from writing fake news stories which inevitably sound like imitations of those found in The Onion.  If his story borrowed the metaphors that sports stars (a la Brett Fahrv) use in their own retirement announcements, the contrast with his mundane unimportance might possibly amuse.  So he started writing down ideas like The thing I will miss most is my teammates, the locker room camaraderie and I still have a little gas left in the tank, but I promised myself I'd go out before I was totally useless, unlike some people I could name, how this was the hardest decision he'd ever had to make but when he finally made it, he felt a great weightlifter get off his shoulders, sure he'd consider broadcasting at some point but right now he just wanted to go fishing with his son's baseball games up north.

Since it really didn't seem to be going anywhere and he was too lazy to work hard on it, he then decided to add two additional layers of irony by writing about his writing process during the act of writing and including it seamlessly into the story, during the composition of which a former colleague called him out of the blue to catch up on things just at the point he was struggling to catch a really good half-formed idea, so that he failed to digest any of the life-changing information imparted and already felt embarrassed by how clueless and insensitive he would appear at some future interaction, yet he could not bring himself to abandon the chase of his good idea since, as the reader has long since deduced, good ideas are rare around here; finally, sad to say, he never did catch the idea but he lost a good friend trying, and why oh why did he answer that phone call in the first place?

He then wrote a one-sentence paragraph intended to convey the impression that the 'piece' had been adequately wrapped up, and that this was in fact the end.

If you call that blogging.

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