Well advertising revenue fell off a (yes, proverbial) cliff again last quarter, calling into serious question our viability as a going concern. So while we did not want it to come to this, circumstances leave little choice. Effective next Monday the twenty-third we are reopening our first-floor eatery and will be serving three meals a day, six days a week, for the foreseeable future.
We have decided to rebrand our little café as a bistro, and at no additional cost to you the diner. The name of the establishment shall be The Restaurant Unto Itself.
The Restaurant Unto Itself would certainly hope you'll stop by when you are tired, hungry, and yearning to breathe free (we will not charge for the oxygen) (though a small surtax may apply if you are emitting too much carbon dioxide).
Our unique service model lets you order food along two dimensions, Content and Mode. First you select the Content, that is, your main ingredients, sauces, method(s) of preparation, side dishes, toppings, and so forth; then choose the Mode in which you would like your meal, Active or Passive. In passive mode the food sits quietly on your plate waiting to be consumed, much like most of the meals you've been enjoying all these years. But in active mode look out, get ready for the meal of your life, food like you've never had it like this and please hold the handrails, bursting with realism and literally leaping right off the plate with startlingly complex flavors and surprising conversational junkets questioning some of the very foundations of your dining and life choices (providing food for thought as it were), perhaps even joining you for a post-prandial constitutional or, if sparks seem to be flying, boldly inviting you up to its place for a nightcap. Note that if you choose a meal in active mode you assume full responsibility for the consequences; the kitchen will not be liable for the behavior of a meal after activation. Diners with heart murmurs should order in furtive mode to avoid dysplasia.
We are thinking of instituting a prix fixe menu, we heard you can make a killing that way. Tell us if you think we should go prix fixe or a la carte in the Section du Comment.
And talk about fancy: Everything on the menu will come with at least one sprig of something else, as garnish.
On Thursdays the FM radio will be played loud enough for some of the customers sitting near the front counter to hear. No charge will be levied for this amenity.
If you don't have anywhere else to go for your holiday dinner, once a year we do a spray-on foam ham that is out of this world.
Beverages may be blended on request. Milkshakes will come in two flavors: Regular, and Other.
More in this space, etc. etc.