In these trying times for this great nation it is important that each citizen, no matter how badly misguided / misinformed, stands up loud and starts ranting about politics, the wrongness / insanity of the opposition and the evils of 'the system'. Normally we keep a safe distance from the fray, preferring for our giggles to continuously seek variations on the same nine or so silly tropes we've been recycling since childhood. But at the end of the day we have to admit our dependence on our fellow humans for survival, and that even though a great number behave like disgusting pigheaded simians, we should at least make a superficial attempt to find common cause with the least objectionable among them, lest the rest should seize (the reins of) power and make the future, like the typical [star you scorn] movie, not as good as it could have been.
That's why, as long as we must have these practically pointless hullabaloos called elections, we hereby endorse the unnamed candidate we can only refer to obliquely as "Auggie".
Supporters of Auggie see no reason to look elsewhere. He simply looks presidential. He embodies the ethos of the times. He can lead from the front or from behind, heck he can lead from either wing or give you solid minutes at center in a crunch. He is firm in his principles yet open to alternative points of view and in the end willing to compromise to achieve the greater good, narrowly defined. He is a devoted family man or woman as the case may be. He will lower your taxes and raise your deficits and you won't even notice or care because he's so smooth on TV, he'll even pop by for a beer once in a while and regale you with hunting and cavalry stories until you fall asleep, smiling, on his knee. He is everything a president should and must be, electability notwithstanding.
Not that Auggie is without detractors, who point to his or her lack of a strong track record of fighting for the right to introduce legislation opposing tramways, and the existence of certain long-ago associations with (all together now) unsavory characters. Nonetheless we believe that, examining the whole of Auggie's career, the unmistakable backbone of silent relentless moral goodness and dedication to bettering the lot of the common person comes shining through like a beacon of ... a beacon of ... bacon? No, like a beacon of achievement, shining the reflection of the beam of hope back onto ... bacon? What the–? Who keeps–? [Laughter offstage] Stop it! You are ruining the endorsement.
As for his performance in the debates, everyone does it these days and if Auggie took a few too many quaaludes before the proceedings, that just goes to cement his image as a man of the people. We all make mistakes, and Auggie makes some doozies to be sure, but now more than ever, in these uncertain times, we need a president who is not afraid to make too many mistakes, even if it means popping an extra quaalude or two.
Vote for Auggie, simps: Let Hope Be Alive Right This Goddamn Second for Making Tomorrow a Better Future, Today.
This endorsement was paid for by Moneyed Persons for Auggie Should S/He Ever Actually Come Into Being and Run, United. It may help to imagine it as read aloud, with feeling, by Jack Nicholson.