04 September 2012

President Announces 10% Across the Board Pay Cut


Apparently the Massive Layoff Stimulus Package was only able to generate a minimal impact on economic growth, and the Austerity Measures have failed to curb our ridiculous penchant for spending the future.  Sterner measures are long overdue, so hold on to your hats because here they come.

Quoth the President:  Effective immediately, your salary is to be reduced by ten percent, this while most of your costs will continue increasing at least that fast.

This pay cut will not affect people with way more money than you, on the contrary the money will primarily be used to fund lavish bonuses for all CEOs so that they will not be tempted to quit their jobs because without their fantastic magical productivity (and business acumen, leadership savvy, etc.), how would any hardworking serf ever have a job to begin with? 

In exchange for voluntarily surrendering 10% of your salary, your work hours will be increased by 20%, your health insurance premiums doubled and coverage slashed, while the prices of milk, eggs, and butter will increase by (respectively) 50%, extra buck a dozen, 60% surcharge when you buy more than one stick.

On a more positive note, ten percent is really not that much, given how fat you been livin'.  If you cut out a few luxuries like donuts and too much soap your likelihood of dying due to hunger or exposure will not measurably increase.  

Plus, also, and in addition to that, recreational drug prices continue to decline and suicide assistance will now be offered free of charge, if you wanna go that route.

Be careful what you say about this new policy because they can pretty much watch you all the time now, your phone company lets them know any time you make a move and systems are in place that will rat you out if you become involved in any nefarious plots.  Yes, cutting-edge computers now grasp the concept of 'nefarious'; if we could just get them to scrub all the toilets, we could eliminate your excuse for existing entirely.

More on this story as it festers.  This is the cuter of the Olson Twins, safe and snug in my pink flannel pjs, reporting.

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