28 September 2012

Announcement only for Newsletter Subscribers: A Change in Strategy

If you don’t subscribe to the Proverbial Newsletter, please do not read any further.  It would not be fair to the many paid subscribers, and effectively an act of on-line piracy.

Regular subscribers to our newsletter may be relieved to learn that, after an extensive subcommittee review, we have decided to drop our plans to seize control of time and take over the universe.  A recalculation of the costs and benefits of so doing led to the inescapable conclusion that the endeavor simply was not worth the time and energy required (not to mention the unspeakable suffering our efforts would undoubtedly have inflicted on countless innocents).  So we're putting that one back on the shelf and you won't hear anything about it again, barring some unforeseen change in fundamental conditions that could swing the calculus back the other way.

Instead we have determined that merely seizing control of the sun will afford total dominion over this world and the next.  Since life on earth is dependent on the sun for survival, control of same is effective control over all life on earth.  And though there will no doubt be some difficulties, compared to managing the flow of time it appears relatively doable.  However, it will not be cheap and that is where you come in.  No we are not calling you cheap, in fact quite the contrary: we need your generous contributions in order to cover the tremendous investment we are making in your future.  That's right, this is the single most important investment you will ever make.  It is likely to determine whether we can succeed in controlling the sun and cutting you in on a piece of the action, or whether the sun is to remain uncontrolled and your life to continue in (much the same) vain, devoid of meaning, alternately plodding and careening aimlessly towards certain death.

The more (and the sooner) you give, the more you will get on our good side, and after we have achieved our objective you can rest assured there will be plenty of sunlight (but less of the cancer causing kind) shining on you and the crops of those you hold dear.  If you don't donate just a wee bit more than you can afford, right now – frankly, the consequences themselves shudder to be thought of.

Bonus Newsletter Item: Free pizza will be offered in this space on Monday afternoons between five and seven pm.  We plan to make our money back by jacking up the price of soda.  So if you like pizza and can tolerate it without soda, stop by on Monday afternoons and you will totally get your money's worth.  Even if you like soda, the free pizza is not bad.  Just don’t come in at like 7:03 looking for free slices because we are not playing that game, free ends at seven sharp and pizza prices are expected to rise dramatically after that, though the effect on consumer wallets will be moderated by a decline in the price of soda, which had been kept artificially high during the free pizza giveaway bonanza period.

Plus, also, and in addition to that dept.: Margie and Joe got married this week.  Congrats to Margie and Joe.  If you're getting married soon let us know in time for the next newsletter and we'll announce it for you, for free (with purchase of a medium soft drink).

15 September 2012

On the Merging of Politics and Sports

It is clear that The Country is coming apart at the seams, and what is needed is a heavy dose of social cohesion.  One of the few subjects capable of bringing diverse groups of people together these days seems to be professional sports.  Therefore, professional sports must be brought into the political process.  And not just implicitly – as for example the Cleveland Brownshirts – but by law.  The teams and their fan bases must become political parties to advocate for and protect their particular interests.  This will increase political participation and our sense of community and go a long way towards revitalizing this great nation of yours, mine, and ours.

Sure some people don't like sports.  Nothing wrong with that.  But every citizen is or can be persuaded to become a fan of at least one team, if not for the policy platform then for the ancillary social benefits or the color scheme.

Instead of extending unemployment benefits for 'the poor', a vague and easily otherizable designation, it would be framed as, "We need to extend Lombardi Benefits for needy Packer fans."  This is something all Packer fans can get behind: Green and Gold, The Glory, Bart Starr, Jerry Kramer and all that.  Any Packer fan would support a modest surtax on every brat with the money earmarked to fund community education programs for Packer fans less fortunate than themselves.  Just like the Giants didn’t give up on Eli Manning after his first three subpar seasons – and look what it got them: two friggin super bowls – we can't give up on young Brian even if he's flunked his welder's certificate twice, we can extend those benefits because we know he's gonna get back on his feet, consume his share of cheese-filled foodstuffs and give us much-needed special teams depth for the stretch run.

We will have to redraw the electoral map a little bit to accommodate the overlapping fan bases of different sports and cities.  After all, Raider fans should not be taxed to support 49er fans and vice versa.  And a Bronco fan living in San Diego should not have his hard earned money taxed to support the Chargers, I think we can all agree that is not what The Framers had in mind.  Yes the world has changed a whole hunk since they met behind Fort Sumter circa 1763, but some principles are enduring. 

At this time, as with any cockamamie idea, we should focus not on the difficulties but the possibilities. 

Imagine having elections decided by the outcome of the Penguins-Flyers series, determining the passage of legislation by the OBP leaders or taxation rates by the fifth at Pimlico, deciding whether to launch another pointless foreign war based on the results of another pointless late-season Wolverhampton match.

Let the games double as city council meetings, with seven minutes of every halftime set aside for civic matters, doing the public's business and so forth.  Referenda or simple up or down votes on questions of public policy could be speedily conducted by asking fans to flash one of two sides of a pre-distributed placard.  In election seasons games might include campaign rallies, where the candidates briefly outline their vision and policy proposals, take a few seconds to malign and misrepresent their opponent, and then demonstrate their physical fitness as well as ability to handle complex legislation in the Punt, Pass, and Kick.

Chew on that for a second.  We'll be right back to talk more about politics, after this succession of slickly produced, highly charged moments from our sponsors.

04 September 2012

President Announces 10% Across the Board Pay Cut

Apparently the Massive Layoff Stimulus Package was only able to generate a minimal impact on economic growth, and the Austerity Measures have failed to curb our ridiculous penchant for spending the future.  Sterner measures are long overdue, so hold on to your hats because here they come.

Quoth the President:  Effective immediately, your salary is to be reduced by ten percent, this while most of your costs will continue increasing at least that fast.

This pay cut will not affect people with way more money than you, on the contrary the money will primarily be used to fund lavish bonuses for all CEOs so that they will not be tempted to quit their jobs because without their fantastic magical productivity (and business acumen, leadership savvy, etc.), how would any hardworking serf ever have a job to begin with? 

In exchange for voluntarily surrendering 10% of your salary, your work hours will be increased by 20%, your health insurance premiums doubled and coverage slashed, while the prices of milk, eggs, and butter will increase by (respectively) 50%, extra buck a dozen, 60% surcharge when you buy more than one stick.

On a more positive note, ten percent is really not that much, given how fat you been livin'.  If you cut out a few luxuries like donuts and too much soap your likelihood of dying due to hunger or exposure will not measurably increase.  

Plus, also, and in addition to that, recreational drug prices continue to decline and suicide assistance will now be offered free of charge, if you wanna go that route.

Be careful what you say about this new policy because they can pretty much watch you all the time now, your phone company lets them know any time you make a move and systems are in place that will rat you out if you become involved in any nefarious plots.  Yes, cutting-edge computers now grasp the concept of 'nefarious'; if we could just get them to scrub all the toilets, we could eliminate your excuse for existing entirely.

More on this story as it festers.  This is the cuter of the Olson Twins, safe and snug in my pink flannel pjs, reporting.