13 August 2012

Monetization Warning

Lovers of free content, beware.  Your human right to unlimited free content is in danger of being perilously close to being withdrawn at any time and without your consent. 

Notice:  Effective next Monday the 23rd at 2 p.m. Western Standard Time, Monetization will be in full effect.  No more free rides, cowboys, everything has its price and this, the Bert Convy of weblogs, is no exception.

Those reading at home will have a plethora of payment options.  So get out a pen and pencil and prepare a blank back of the envelope, crunch the numbers and then consult your tax attorney before choosing the option that best fits your needs.

Several tiers of subscription will be offered, from Super Elite Class (179.95 monthly, includes free access to all posts, hell you can write your own if you like) to the Basic Plan (3.50 per month, you can read each post for nine minutes, then it's seventy-five cents a minute for the next ten minutes, and after that you get free unlimited access but your screen will slowly get brighter and brighter until at around minute 23 most test subjects were unable to continue reading, with 34% reporting symptoms of nausea, blinding headaches and temporary flippancy, and a much smaller but not insignificant number suffering a permanent warpage of the ball of the eye).

Paid Advertising
Those too cheap to subscribe, as well as those inflated with a misguided sense of what they are 'entitled' to, will be subjected to a relentless barrage of advertising in every form. Access may be blocked at random moments and approximately every seventh word will be blacked out or changed to 'Sisyphean'.  Cookies will be deposited on the reader's computer and, if he/she fails to purchase enough of the advertised products within seven days of visiting the site, chocolate milk will follow.

Voluntary Donations
Voluntary donations are always accepted, indeed a donation box has been set up to serve precisely that purpose.  If you do decide to donate you get "nothing you can see or feel, not even a receipt" – but giving generally makes people feel good, and you are no exception.  Please give generously.

The above will run on a trial basis, until more efficient methods are devised to squeeze every last ounce of juice out of you.  We'll be sure and let you know up front, in advance and in big letters.  Or maybe not.  As always, check the fine print, your results may vary, and don't say we didn’t warn you, that will be very difficult to establish in court against our squadron of overpriced lawyers / homunculi.

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