30 June 2012

Insufferable Silence

Today I'd like to talk in some detail about declining fertility rates in the developing world and the implications for the future of the human species.  But since I don't know dick about that, here's some useless verbiage on the subject of


Silence is slowly killing us.  We are going deaf drowning in the constant hum of silence.

For God's sake someone please blare upon us some loud rock music before we collapse of this insufferable silence.

The day the silence died I was driving my mother-in-law home after another uneventful night at the canasta tables and the things she revealed to me in the car, well I haven't had a quiet moment since.

How I adore the silence of the rain falling on my roof.  The silent smiling of a child's laughter (at daybreak I suppose).  The cacophonous hush of the running of the bulls, the silent screams of the terrified toro-trampled teens.

Silence is golden my ass.  Silence is metallic gray.  Silence is a Fiat Currency with a hole in the muffler.

Shhh!  Please be quiet and don't interrupt the silence while it's talking to me.

Silence is the whisper of the gods, the sound of nothing making nary a noise, the assassin's silent stalk a split-second before sniper-strike … the silence of the elves facing Santa.

It's so quiet I can't hear myself think.  Could someone please turn on some golf?

Silence is overrated and badly misunderstood.  Much of the maniacal behavior in modern society can be linked directly to the lack of silence in too many facets of life.  I will have more to say about this in future posts.

And now, on behalf of silence, let us have a moment of (you guessed it) deafening racket.

Ladies and gentleman, please put your hands together, and keep them there, for Bachman!  Turner!!  O-VER-DRIVE!!!

20 June 2012

Time Saving Apps

There are 2 many good books, 2 many good tv shows, and 2 many sources of information right now and rather than slow down and take it all in at a human pace, what we desperately need is something that will help us consume, process, and apply all this information much, much faster.

We need some sort of machine (or "app") so I can watch a 2 hour movie in, say, six seconds.  That way I could watch hundreds of the best films of all time in a single weekend.  The software would remember all the best parts and have every director, actor and character's name at the tip of my fingers so I could casually reference them 2 astonish unsuspecting partygoers with my comprehensive knowledge of modern cinema.

Another app could automatically keep in touch with all of my friends, analyzing the footage from the cameras I'll have strapped 2 all their 4heads and producing a slick compilation of nothing but the best moments, and then, after reviewing my own recent experience tapes, and based on the thousands of examples of my correspondence in existence, sending them my best regards recounting my latest adventures and inquiring after their child's graduation or the state of their meniscus following knee surgery.  After the app reads their replies it emits the slightest pulse of electric current 2 accomplish the warming of my heart, exactly as if I had real human friends 2 do so.

And what about eating, how many times a day do I have 2 eat already?  If we can computerize the whole food gathering, production, consumption, doing the dishes and waste disposal thing, you know, do all of our dining 'in the cloud', that will free up a significant amount of time 4 web surfing, blogging, and video games, not 2 mention the really important things in life.

With all of this automated, I'll finally have time 4 the really important things in life.  Like slowing down for a second 2 make some coffee and then work on the three novels I've started but just haven't had the time and resolve 2 finish.  Or spending the afternoon listening 2 old 45s while sandpapering a log down 2 its bare essence.  I always wanted 2 learn 2 play the banjo, or fight with my legs, or speak European.  I bet it would only take me a few hours 2 walk downtown from here, and who knows what I might see along the way.  Maybe I'll go 2 the beach. 

Know what you're saying: Why don't I just create an app that could finish my novel or go 2 the beach 4 me?  But maybe I'm just a little old-fashioned that way.  I'll twiddle my own thumbs, thank you very much.