19 May 2012

Ode to Consumption

Or Let's Get it While the Getting is Good

The generally obese state of the American PeopleTM is often seen as some form of weakness, a sickness, the national decadence or worse.

Yet it is easily understandable and perhaps the inevitable product of our affluence.  The reason humans are (by and large) programmed to fatten up in times of plenty is that our ancestors went through plenty of times of nothing, widespread hunger and so on.  People who fattened up survived, and passed their fattysnack-bingin' genes on.  

Today's humans seem to think that famines are a thing of the past.  O would that it were so my friends, would that it were so. 

So who is going to have the last laugh when the next big famine sweeps the nation?

All these hepcats who've been on these crazy diets and workout regimens trying to shed every last ounce of body fat?  Ha!  How long are these people going to last when the food's cut off?  They'll be dead in 72 hours – well more if they have access to sparkling mineral water, sports drinks, or imported boysenberry-based beverages, but once that well goes dry I give em twenty-four hours, tops.

Meanwhile, certain denizens of the American Midwest and South Central Mountain States, those who have grown too large to get up off of their own sofas, will find they have at least two hard winters' worth of preserves stored where it is conveniently accessible at all hours.  Once they ride out that first winter they can go ahead and move into the mansions vacated by the dead skinny people, all the hip fashionable elite that went on diets in order to lose those extra pounds, the ones they thought were unhealthy but were in fact their only hedge against survival in the perilous times to come.

So should you be fattening up?  That is a (proverbial) no-brainer.  While it would be sensible to weigh the extra risk of heart attack / diabetes / stroke / etc. now versus the risk of starvation later, let's just say no one ever accused your columnist of being sensible.

This is just the excuse you've been waiting for.  Get it while the getting is good.  We'll slim down when we start running out of food.  And not before.

Go forth, my fellow robots, and consume.


  1. Plus, consuming is good for the economy, without it our consumer economy cannot grow the economic pie for everyone to fatten up on.

  2. I've been stocking up on vitamin water, which is certain to become a hot commodity as an IV solution to keep babies growing during the period of nothing good to eat (BTW I'm also against the term famine, I think our terminology for the untold suffering to come should focus more on the poor quality of the available offerings as opposed to features of quantity and price).


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