31 May 2012

Ask Jimmy Foody

The other day, we were extremely blessed to have our old friend Jimmy Foody answer your gastronomic questions. Jimmy knows most everything about food and has sampled every substance on earth, with and without catsup. Feel free to ask him anything. As Jimmy says, "There are no stupid questions, only stupid people."

Q: What does sheep taste like?
A: Sheep meat, also called mutton, tastes like hell. This is due to the peculiar flavor of sheep fat.

Q: What does screech owl taste like?
A: If you are dumb enough to eat screech owl, be ready to taste puke twice: once when you bite into it, a second time when you throw it back up.

Q:  I've heard people say rattlesnake tastes like chicken.  True?
A:  Sure. I just had a 3 piece rattlesnake dinner at a snake restaurant called [redacted]. Why don't you go there and get a bucket of snake?  Tastes and looks like chicken.

Q:  I know I should stop making panda smoothies because pandas are endangered and clog the blender, but they taste so much like chicken, which I love. What can I do?
A:  Why not eat snake instead? Snake also tastes like chicken, and sounds like "steak". You can find snakes almost anywhere--on airplanes, in nursing homes, right behind you, etc.

Q:  Can we breed the flavor of endangered species into more common ones so that we can continue to enjoy their taste post-extinction?
A:  In fact, food researchers are now developing a dumpling that tastes like the endangered bubble-headed booby. The prototype dumpling is comprised of sawdust wrapped in bubble-headed booby. This doesn't solve the extinction problem, but it does retain the original flavor without sacrificing more chickens, which will be in high demand after snakes go extinct.

Q:  Is bee pollen really good for you?
A:  Yes, really good if you enjoy explosive diarrhea. Go ahead, treat your intestinal lining to an amalgam of irritating pollens from poisonous, stinging insects.

Q:  What is head cheese?
A:  Head cheese is a jellied meat dish made from the head of a pig. It is thinly sliced and sold as cold cuts to people who aren't satisfied eating only the pig's ribs and ass, but must also devour the nose, forehead, lips, scalp, beard area, and sideburns.

Q:  Is there a substitute for curry powder?
A:  A curry lotion will work just as well as powder. Apply curry lotion between skin folds, in the armpits, and to the bikini area to mask foul odors with an odor that's just strange.

Q:  How large is a large egg?
A:  An egg is considered large when the chicken laying it suffers such pain that it blurts a stream of curses. Hence the expression, "fowl language".

Q:  I'm looking for a conversion chart for cups and gallons.
A:  I'm looking for a date with Angelina Jolie. Let's see who gets lucky first.

Q:  What is quinoa?
A:  Quinoa is a highly nutritious grain with a low glycemic index. If possible, use candy sprinkles instead. What candy sprinkles lack in nutrition, they make up for in pretty colors and awesome taste. They're also great for raising kids' blood pressure to get them crackin' in the morning.

Q:  What's the best way to cook chickenhawk?
A:  "Chickenhawk" is a gay term for an older man that chases after younger men, typically in their 20s. This seems to be a question for another forum, although just about anything tastes good if you put enough butter and salt on it.

Q:  I want to go "old school" with ambrosia. Can you help?
A: I can totally relate. Sometimes I'll fire up their first album and get lost in 1975. You like Foghat, too?

Real questions about food from actual readers with intent to learn and not just joshin' around trying to make a fool out of Jimmy Foody may be submitted using the Comment box below.

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