09 March 2012

Some Secretly Exciting Health Tips from My Good Friend Doctor Rocco Balducci

I don't like to name-drop but actually I did go to high school with Dr. Rocco Balducci, in fact he still owes me big-time (he totaled my dad's hot air balloon).  So I asked him if he would do a guest post and he said sure if I buy him a twelver, so I did and we went and sat on the dikes where he revealed unto me the following health tips pretty much in one go. 

Diet / Behavior 
Drink water constantly, literally non-stop.  Any time you are not drinking water you are slowly desiccating.  Walk around with one of those beer bong hats and if necessary hook up a catheter to a urine bag concealed in the trousers of your pants. 

Eat at least seven raw eggs a day, two after every meal, one in the dead of night, and one at first snowfall. 

Give yourself a surprise coma enema once a week, when you least expect it. 

Avoid cancer like the plague, and vice versa.  Indeed all diseases should be avoided and health pursued, with vigor whenever possible. 

Bathe once in a while and apply a fresh coat of clothing afterwards. 

Don't die now, you can always die later. 

Here let me smell your ankle for a second.  [Sniffs.  Considers.]  Dude you definitely gotta eat more rutabaga. 

Mental and Spiritual Tips for a Long Happy Life 

Eat to live, live to ride, ride to work, work for money, trade money for food, repeat.  Sleep too. 

Don't concern yourself with what others think of you.  Be knee-high by the 4th of July, stooping if you must but never stoop to selling yourself short after Labor Day. 

All things in moderation.  Well not all things, that would be overdoing it.  TV is part of a healthy diet but should not account for more than 20% of your mental calories. 

Learn to play one or more of the following: acoustic guitar, ukulele, banjo, saxophone, clarinet.

Learn to avoid three or less of the following: guy spitting when he talks, re-smoked bacon, violence, poison ivy, shoddy construction, drum circles, indentured servitude.  

Cultivate elves.  Wait no, dance with elves.  Be like the elf but not of the elves.  Involve elves.  Employ them as tax consultants, or maitre'ds.  Adopt a certain hard to pinpoint but unmistakable elfinositude.  Go all max-elf on all non-elves.

Trust in God, but Verify. 

Do not do anything that requires effort, as effort leads to wanting and wanting to desire; instead do only those things which come naturally, and with joy, and think not of the farmer's daughter at daybreak. 

Live the way you would want others to dream about you living as they're sleeping off seven whiskey sours capped by some super-spicy Thai.  

Plus, these "Secrets of The Human Body"
You can stifle a sneeze by slammin' your glot closed when your body is trying to inhale.  Your lungs'll hurt, and your body'll get all mad, but that's what it gets for trying to shoot nose rockets all over the hizzie.
You can play a prank on your body when it's trying to make the 'L' sound in a normal word, by smashing the middle of your tongue up into the roof of your mouth.  It'll make an idiotic squealing sound instead, and your body will look like a schmuck.
If you have a severe nosebleed and tilt your head back, you will swallow a lot of blood.  When your stomach gets too full, it will make you vomit that blood back into your nose.  That's how blood gets into your nose.

Your elbows should be positioned about halfway up your arms, roughly at the midpoint between the wrist and shoulder.  This is the perfect spot for your elbows.  You can adjust the positioning of your elbows by popping open the flap in your armpit and turning the small crank; counterclockwise moves them toward the shoulders and clockwise towards the wrist.

Remember on Flinstones when Fred reaches into his fridge and there's a pterodactyl in there and it talks to you about what a crummy job it has?  That's why you should clean your fridge.

Wash your hands before and after you eat, fidget, or play the ukulele. 

Don't ever watch television, which is so disgusting, don't get me started, but if you must watch, you should wash the TV thoroughly inside and out after each use. 

Avoid touching any of the following: doorknobs, handrails, letter openers, astronauts, circles.  Well, you can touch a doorknob if it's certified germ-free.  But never touch your face, it's a tell.  Basically you should not touch any germs, which are everywhere, so don't touch almost everything, ever.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please leave your "comment" in the box so it's easy for us to clean up after. Your call will be answered in the order it is received.