30 March 2012

Energy Independence: The Real Enemy

Energy independence is often discussed but, in our view, the context is invariably too narrow.  What does it ultimately matter if one nation be independent of another?  Are we not one species, once crazy bunch of animals locked on this planet together?  It is well-known that all of our energy ultimately comes from the sun.  It follows that, if we truly want to achieve energy independence, we must escape our energy dependence on the sun.

At first it may seem an impossible challenge, and many will throw their hands up and insist that it simply cannot be done.  Pay these naysayers no attention – and if they keep it up, systematically arrest and imprison them.

Since before the dawn of prehistory humans have known that the galaxy is full of billions and gazillions of stars, and the science of astronomy has established that most of them make our own sun look piffling by comparison.  Yet the ramifications of this fact seem to have escaped us.  Billions of suns, every one of them way bigger than Sol!  These are the true 'alternative energy sources' we should be focusing on. 

Though the amount of energy that can be harvested from any one star is admittedly infinitesimal, the number of stars is so large that we can, as they say, make it up in volume.  Do not let anyone, whether some hotshot professor or your dear old mum, convince you otherwise.  If they even try, do what must be done to silence them and let your conscience be quiet about it.

The current state of affairs is simply unacceptable, intolerable not only from an energy and national security perspective but also from a moral one.  We send all of our energy dollars, ultimately, to the sun, which is not even a democracy and also freely provides its energy to terrorists bent not just on killing us personally but on eradicating our entire way of life.  Seriously, given that the sun is ultimately responsible for all life on earth, does it not bear some share of blame for the 9/11 attacks?  Complicity or advanced knowledge is difficult to establish without resort to bizarre 'conspiracy theories,' but at the very least the sun is guilty of materiel support, aiding and abetting and the like.  Remember how brightly it shone on that fateful day?  Yet so far it has escaped punishment entirely, indeed it shines smugly on every day knowing it has us right where it wants us.  As long as we remain dependent on it for our energy needs, we can never hold it to account for the worst terrorist attacks in US history, let alone all the skin cancer and so on.  When approached about the possibility of sanctions, i.e. cutting off energy to groups known to have supported terrorist activity against the good ol' US of A and its client states, the sun has so far offered no response whatsoever.  Is this the kind of ally we can trust to be the sole provider of 100% of our energy, which is a critical factor enabling enough economic growth for me to get mine – er, I mean, to prop up the current regime?  The answer should be clear enough to all true patriots.  For those who simply refuse to get it: Gitmo times ten.

This is why the people have taken to the streets, occupying shopping malls and booty parlors, taking over your favorite park with their hysterical protest signs, e.g. Sol Not All, Not Solely on Sol, Reliant on Sol We Fall, Sell Not Soul to Sol, True Energy Independence Now, Sun of a Gun: We're Done, F*ck the (Solar) System, etc.  Though the people are as confused and incoherent as ever, nevertheless we must acquiesce to their demands, for they have spoken and that's how democracy works, Charlie.

We therefore call for a national-level 10 trillion dollar Stellar Energy Harvesting Initiative that aims to bring the percentage of our energy harvested from the non-Sol stars up to 5% of GDP by 2035, or your money back.  The Initiative will be administered from my private lair, which may be underground or inside a mountain, still looking at proposals, and which in its interior will be quite lavish as you can imagine but I probably won’t go too overboard, being a person of simple tastes.

This Initiative will eventually pay for itself a thousand times over, but up front it will require us to bite the bullet and raise taxes on DVD rentals, lane changes, and kettle corn.  Also under consideration: a one-off surtax on copulation by the beautiful.  

Get off the sun now, America, before it takes advantage of its power and starts to put the squeeze on.  Free yourselves from this horrible addiction and march boldly forward into your energy-free future, wrapped in blankets, sweating, before it is too late.


  1. We have to tell the sun look, you are either with us or with the terrorists, and if it still fails to come around, a pre-emptive strike based on just war doctrine, immanent threat and all that can be easily cooked up and an alliance of all great nations on earth put together to attack this problem at its root, or core, once and for all.

  2. On the surtaxes: this will raise significant revenue, or at the very least discourage unnecessary procreation by the beautiful and give the rest of us a chance. But taxes like that never work. I can see many of the beautiful deliberately scarring themselves to avoid this tax. And while that will create job opportunities for a limited number of cosmetic surgeons and other, less technically inclined face rearrangers, in the end it will deprive us (as a people) of many of our movie stars and community movers, who are on average better looking than the rest of us. Also, where do we draw the line? Will your hypothetical 'semi-hot aunt' pay this tax, or not?

  3. Dave or maybe RonApril 9, 2012 at 3:05 PM

    Attacking the sun would be pure folly if we don't take the time to first understand its motives. We don't even know why the sun shines. Is it ultimately benevolent or hostile? We should avoid projecting all of our fears onto it and then attacking it for in the process we will only be destroying ourselves. In the Art of War, which it is very popular to quote from these days in all sorts of contexts, Confucius says that we must know our enemy. We must strive to understand the sun. What is it, the loss of which, would leave it incon"sol"able?


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