30 March 2012

Energy Independence: The Real Enemy

Energy independence is often discussed but, in our view, the context is invariably too narrow.  What does it ultimately matter if one nation be independent of another?  Are we not one species, once crazy bunch of animals locked on this planet together?  It is well-known that all of our energy ultimately comes from the sun.  It follows that, if we truly want to achieve energy independence, we must escape our energy dependence on the sun.

At first it may seem an impossible challenge, and many will throw their hands up and insist that it simply cannot be done.  Pay these naysayers no attention – and if they keep it up, systematically arrest and imprison them.

Since before the dawn of prehistory humans have known that the galaxy is full of billions and gazillions of stars, and the science of astronomy has established that most of them make our own sun look piffling by comparison.  Yet the ramifications of this fact seem to have escaped us.  Billions of suns, every one of them way bigger than Sol!  These are the true 'alternative energy sources' we should be focusing on. 

Though the amount of energy that can be harvested from any one star is admittedly infinitesimal, the number of stars is so large that we can, as they say, make it up in volume.  Do not let anyone, whether some hotshot professor or your dear old mum, convince you otherwise.  If they even try, do what must be done to silence them and let your conscience be quiet about it.

The current state of affairs is simply unacceptable, intolerable not only from an energy and national security perspective but also from a moral one.  We send all of our energy dollars, ultimately, to the sun, which is not even a democracy and also freely provides its energy to terrorists bent not just on killing us personally but on eradicating our entire way of life.  Seriously, given that the sun is ultimately responsible for all life on earth, does it not bear some share of blame for the 9/11 attacks?  Complicity or advanced knowledge is difficult to establish without resort to bizarre 'conspiracy theories,' but at the very least the sun is guilty of materiel support, aiding and abetting and the like.  Remember how brightly it shone on that fateful day?  Yet so far it has escaped punishment entirely, indeed it shines smugly on every day knowing it has us right where it wants us.  As long as we remain dependent on it for our energy needs, we can never hold it to account for the worst terrorist attacks in US history, let alone all the skin cancer and so on.  When approached about the possibility of sanctions, i.e. cutting off energy to groups known to have supported terrorist activity against the good ol' US of A and its client states, the sun has so far offered no response whatsoever.  Is this the kind of ally we can trust to be the sole provider of 100% of our energy, which is a critical factor enabling enough economic growth for me to get mine – er, I mean, to prop up the current regime?  The answer should be clear enough to all true patriots.  For those who simply refuse to get it: Gitmo times ten.

This is why the people have taken to the streets, occupying shopping malls and booty parlors, taking over your favorite park with their hysterical protest signs, e.g. Sol Not All, Not Solely on Sol, Reliant on Sol We Fall, Sell Not Soul to Sol, True Energy Independence Now, Sun of a Gun: We're Done, F*ck the (Solar) System, etc.  Though the people are as confused and incoherent as ever, nevertheless we must acquiesce to their demands, for they have spoken and that's how democracy works, Charlie.

We therefore call for a national-level 10 trillion dollar Stellar Energy Harvesting Initiative that aims to bring the percentage of our energy harvested from the non-Sol stars up to 5% of GDP by 2035, or your money back.  The Initiative will be administered from my private lair, which may be underground or inside a mountain, still looking at proposals, and which in its interior will be quite lavish as you can imagine but I probably won’t go too overboard, being a person of simple tastes.

This Initiative will eventually pay for itself a thousand times over, but up front it will require us to bite the bullet and raise taxes on DVD rentals, lane changes, and kettle corn.  Also under consideration: a one-off surtax on copulation by the beautiful.  

Get off the sun now, America, before it takes advantage of its power and starts to put the squeeze on.  Free yourselves from this horrible addiction and march boldly forward into your energy-free future, wrapped in blankets, sweating, before it is too late.

20 March 2012

Several Crummy Jokes About Occam's Razor

There are not enough jokes about Occam's Razor.  Perhaps the following will explain why.   

The simplest (and therefore likely the correct) joke on the subject is:  Occam's Razor is by definition the simplest way to shave.   I thought of this on my own but some investigation identifies others who have uttered (more or less) the same joke before.  That doesn't mean I stole it, it's called independent invention.  It is not that mind-boggling of a creative leap, after all.  In any case, other possibilities must exist and we intend to uncover them.  This is what we have so far.

Occam's Razor holds that the simplest explanation is likely to be the correct one.  But what about his Tweezers?  What do they hold? 

Occam was not much on the razor but you shoulda heard Occam’s Comb and Tissue Paper.

Occam's Spatula says that the simplest way to clean the bowl is likely to be the correct one, i.e., by using a spatula, though you should buy your own as Occam needs his.

So Occam's Razor walks into the Pareto Principle Bar, where 20% of the customers drink 80% of the vodka, 20% of the razor slits 80% of the throat, and so on, and the bartender is Murphy Slaw, right, see?  So OR says Gimme a gin gimlet, slice of lime.  Well anything that can go wrong with a razor will go wrong.  Boy was that a close shave.

Try the new disposable razors from William of Occam, for the simplest, most comfortable and convenient shave / argument you've ever had – by definition!

Occam went to use his razor only to find his wife had been using it to peel potatoes.  Fortunately, his son was a stropping lad.

And a big prize to our lucky winner: 

Occam Sock'em Robots are the simplest robots that can effectively wield razors.  

Now comes the part where you please share your own personal favorite jokes on the subject of Occam or his handy razors, in the Comments section, which can be found in Appendix C, at the bottom of page four of this document.

09 March 2012

Some Secretly Exciting Health Tips from My Good Friend Doctor Rocco Balducci

I don't like to name-drop but actually I did go to high school with Dr. Rocco Balducci, in fact he still owes me big-time (he totaled my dad's hot air balloon).  So I asked him if he would do a guest post and he said sure if I buy him a twelver, so I did and we went and sat on the dikes where he revealed unto me the following health tips pretty much in one go. 

Diet / Behavior 
Drink water constantly, literally non-stop.  Any time you are not drinking water you are slowly desiccating.  Walk around with one of those beer bong hats and if necessary hook up a catheter to a urine bag concealed in the trousers of your pants. 

Eat at least seven raw eggs a day, two after every meal, one in the dead of night, and one at first snowfall. 

Give yourself a surprise coma enema once a week, when you least expect it. 

Avoid cancer like the plague, and vice versa.  Indeed all diseases should be avoided and health pursued, with vigor whenever possible. 

Bathe once in a while and apply a fresh coat of clothing afterwards. 

Don't die now, you can always die later. 

Here let me smell your ankle for a second.  [Sniffs.  Considers.]  Dude you definitely gotta eat more rutabaga. 

Mental and Spiritual Tips for a Long Happy Life 

Eat to live, live to ride, ride to work, work for money, trade money for food, repeat.  Sleep too. 

Don't concern yourself with what others think of you.  Be knee-high by the 4th of July, stooping if you must but never stoop to selling yourself short after Labor Day. 

All things in moderation.  Well not all things, that would be overdoing it.  TV is part of a healthy diet but should not account for more than 20% of your mental calories. 

Learn to play one or more of the following: acoustic guitar, ukulele, banjo, saxophone, clarinet.

Learn to avoid three or less of the following: guy spitting when he talks, re-smoked bacon, violence, poison ivy, shoddy construction, drum circles, indentured servitude.  

Cultivate elves.  Wait no, dance with elves.  Be like the elf but not of the elves.  Involve elves.  Employ them as tax consultants, or maitre'ds.  Adopt a certain hard to pinpoint but unmistakable elfinositude.  Go all max-elf on all non-elves.

Trust in God, but Verify. 

Do not do anything that requires effort, as effort leads to wanting and wanting to desire; instead do only those things which come naturally, and with joy, and think not of the farmer's daughter at daybreak. 

Live the way you would want others to dream about you living as they're sleeping off seven whiskey sours capped by some super-spicy Thai.  

Plus, these "Secrets of The Human Body"
You can stifle a sneeze by slammin' your glot closed when your body is trying to inhale.  Your lungs'll hurt, and your body'll get all mad, but that's what it gets for trying to shoot nose rockets all over the hizzie.
You can play a prank on your body when it's trying to make the 'L' sound in a normal word, by smashing the middle of your tongue up into the roof of your mouth.  It'll make an idiotic squealing sound instead, and your body will look like a schmuck.
If you have a severe nosebleed and tilt your head back, you will swallow a lot of blood.  When your stomach gets too full, it will make you vomit that blood back into your nose.  That's how blood gets into your nose.

Your elbows should be positioned about halfway up your arms, roughly at the midpoint between the wrist and shoulder.  This is the perfect spot for your elbows.  You can adjust the positioning of your elbows by popping open the flap in your armpit and turning the small crank; counterclockwise moves them toward the shoulders and clockwise towards the wrist.

Remember on Flinstones when Fred reaches into his fridge and there's a pterodactyl in there and it talks to you about what a crummy job it has?  That's why you should clean your fridge.

Wash your hands before and after you eat, fidget, or play the ukulele. 

Don't ever watch television, which is so disgusting, don't get me started, but if you must watch, you should wash the TV thoroughly inside and out after each use. 

Avoid touching any of the following: doorknobs, handrails, letter openers, astronauts, circles.  Well, you can touch a doorknob if it's certified germ-free.  But never touch your face, it's a tell.  Basically you should not touch any germs, which are everywhere, so don't touch almost everything, ever.