18 February 2012

Sunday Conversation: Alice Phillips

Alice Phillips is a painter, writer, architect, poet, historian, bagman, bon vivant and two-time winner of the Marshawn Lynch Prize for Distinguished Running Off Left Tackle.  She agreed to take several hours from her busy schedule to sit down and say stuff in response to stuff we said, even consenting to let us record, transcribe, and subsequently publish all the words, and in the order in which they were uttered (with a few important exceptions).
Talk about your relationship with your family.  Your father was a bit of a browbeater no?

I don’t talk about my father much since the war, but he was an outstanding telephonist whose contributions to telephonics are still widely implemented.  Telephonology would never have been the same without my old man.  Now he could beat the old brow and he certainly did now and again, in our house it was like the running of the bulls – the beating of the brows, you know?  But by and large he remains a living link to the age of telephonistics and still serves on the board of Dutch telephonologistics giant Telephonus.  So I’ve forgiven him for most of that.

And your moms? 
My mom was the chicken and the egg all rolled into one.  She raised nine of us on her chiropractice, made time to wax her eyebrows and still got us to a church on time.  But I think anyone can say something like that about their mother.  She made me who I am.  Why, I can’t say.

Your last three novels have contained subplots about string theory, string cheese, and hamstrings.  Is there a common thread there?
I just really like cheese.  Rich in calories, rich with meaning.  Stinks good.

What do you mean, "And"?  Do you mean to accuse me?

Come clean, Alice.  On September 27, 1986, outside the Ol’ Butterstank Tavern, you murdered Henry Woodsox.
Did not.

Did so.
All right, you got me copper.  [Laughs derisively.]  But you’ll never get away with it.

Just kidding. That was great fun, wasn’t it?
[Mops sweat from brow.]  Oh I do enjoy acting.

Let’s talk for a moment about Guns N Roses if we might.
Well I supported McCain in 2008 but this year there is really only one choice for the future of our country, --

No no, not the candidate, the rock band.  Axl Rose, Charlie Leadbetter ...
Oh, yeah.  Well they called me to come in and touch up their second record but as I’ve said elsewhere, I was not accorded the proper respect and grew bored with the constant struggle for creative control.
After that you worked in your uncle’s hardware store for seven years.

That was an important period in my artistic development, undoubtedly.  After I left the music business, stopped reading the scripts my agent sent me and dropped out of the eating contest circuit completely, I was able to really get my thoughts together, you know collect them, analyze, categorize and prioritize them, and this gave me a deeper insight into my own thought process, a better understanding of who I was and what I was thinking, and what the thoughts meant, and how to develop a schema for classifying the thoughts so that they could be easily recalled and cross-referenced, and ultimately of course, monetized.
And did you succeed?

I’m here, aren’t I? 

Sort of.
I know:  Not really, right?

Is it just me or are zinc oxide nanowires just so 2009?
O my god, like fer sure!  That and carbon nanotubes.  If I have to read one more press release about carbon fucking nanotubes, I swear.  Here’s a question, how many carbon nanotubes can you shove up a lion’s nether pole?

Hm.  When you look back on your accomplishments, what really stands out for you?
It all seems like a big creamy dream, like something somebody just made up to publish on one of the stupidest dumb blogs out there.  I must be the luckiest nonexistent celebrity in the history of moonshine.  [Files retroactive tax form extension request.

More peas?
Nah, I’m good.  Look I’m tired, you got one more question.

In fact I have none.  This interview is over.
Thank fucking god.  Who do I make the check out to?

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please leave your "comment" in the box so it's easy for us to clean up after. Your call will be answered in the order it is received.