28 January 2012

Let Life Live (FAQ)

The Let Life Live movement believes that all life should be left alive to live and let live, and that things not yet alive should be brought to life as quickly as possible and never allowed to perish, under penalty of death (by natural causes, i.e., life).  This position has understandably drawn an avalanche of criticism on many fronts, videlicet deadly pathogens and cockroaches, our basic biological constraints, that’s the way of the world, and so forth.  Nonetheless the movement continues to gather steam, an achievement unquestionably in the category of not as easy as it sounds.  And now, with the permission of his sovereignty the emperor and his right-hand man Joey the Archduke of Crittenden, the Keystone Group, in association with Bleopold and Globe Productions, presents, brought to you by Playclay, makers of fine playclay and related substances, ladies and gentlemen, Jessica Sternum, in a Richard Wrathmore blogpost...

Questions Asked with some Frequency vis a vis The Let Life Live Movement

Is all life really sacred?
All life is sacred.  Nothing may be killed, nor may anything alive, whether inadvertently or through willful neglect, be allowed to perish, not without us LLLers laying a huge guilt trip on you.

Well if all life is sacred, even slugs, what’s so special about humans?
Humans have invented the radio, then the sitcom, and now the nuclear handbag.  We have nothing to prove to nobody.

May we eat the dead and the fallen? 
Only if their release consent forms are filled out completely and accurately and signed by the Founder.

How do we obtain the consent of vegetables before they die?
Believe me, it’s a lot easier than getting it after.  But seriously, you must give them a natural life that respects their right to fruition and to create healthy offspring before they perish.  They must be slaughtered in a humane fashion that takes into consideration their dignity and rights.  No vegetable should be chopped, sliced, diced, etc. without a trained anesthetist on site and a chance to bid farewell to its seedlings. 

Don’t we have to kill stuff, to survive?
Kinda; but we should be painfully aware of it and feel really really bad more often.

Where does the movement stand on viruses?  Are viruses alive?
Because viruses can exist in a suspended state for an extended period of time, we view them as machines and not as living organisms; therefore they may not only be killed but they may be slow roasted while still alive, just for kicks.

Send your questions in as soon as you feel like it, and if asked at a certain specific frequency they may be added (if not answered) here.

11 January 2012

Some Dumb Lists Written as if Numbers on a Calendar Matter

With the sun having once again crossed the winter solstice and started out on its long trek north to bask in the summer of equatorial love, now more than ever is the time of year to make up a bunch of dumb lists reviewing/predicting the past/next roughly twelve moons it takes for the earth to circle the sun.  Some may object How trite, but like most blogs in today’s frenzied society, blogging is no picnic and we have other stuff going on and sometimes it’s just easier to toss off a few lists of stuff.  It takes like no time and if you can find a sexy topic it can get you several pageviews, then with just a few links from one of the big guns you can be retirin’ to Hamtramck in no time.

List of Rejected Titles for this Post
Tis the Season of Lists, Lists of the Year in Review, The Year of Lists in Review List, Here Are Some Lists Gang, Watch Out 2012 Here Come Lists, List Party Freak-on Time 2011-12, Pile of List Related Gag Lists, The Lists (Part I: The Lost Lists of Eldron)

7 Compound Words to Watch in 2012
Tree-hugger
Hip-wader
Nano-technology
Disco-dancing
Velvet-teens
Whipper-snapper
Volks-wagen

Seven Simple Steps to Avoid / Ameliorate a Hangover in 2012
Don’t drink any alcohol at all, but if you do
Drink less alcohol, but if you do
Don’t drink so many types of alcohol in the same day, but whether you do or not
Drink lotsa water before you go to bed, and
Take a few painkillers, or if it’s really drastic
Make yourself puke, and if that proves difficult
Do three or four “bonus” tequila shots (Jagermeister also works) and then some upside down situps where you’re hanging by your ankles from the ceiling.

Twelve Berries to Watch in 2012
Elderberry, Marionberry, Huckleberry, Cheeseberry, Boysenberry, Crunchberry, Bearberry, Chokeberry, Farkleberry, White Mulberry, Sourpuss … and #12 is a secret until I cash out my short position thereupon.

The Top Best Archaeologists, Cancer-fighting-cocks, and Ceremonial First Cheeses to Wish You Woulda Watched in 2011 
Dr. Saunders of the University of Louisville
Camembert with walnuts shoved in
Doctor Invigorator
Wimbley Brown
Red Rollo the Tumornator
Dana the Archaeolitryx

Six Most Popular Emerging Sports to get Season Tickets for in 2012
Hurling – Projectile vomiting is back in vogue!
Browning – various objects must be subjugated and browned, first player to nine brown objects wins.
Crisis Management – it’s a race against time and the elements to manage a crisis of your own creation.
Extreme Egging – now played at high speeds, with no restraining devices and bigger, badder eggs.
Radical Billiards – Just what it sounds like.
Unrestrained Violence – Fun for the whole family (in 2012)

Four Guys Named Dave in 2012 (to Watch)
Dave Adams
Dave Jefferson
Dave Lincoln
Dave Coolidge

Nine or So Even Stupider Themes for Possible List-gag Lists
Six Dumb Lists Reviewing the Best and Worst Dumb Lists of 2011
Seven Easy Steps to Intensify Malaise in 2009
Nine Underrated Blogposts from 2011
Four Zoos to Visit in Amsterdam (in 2012)
2012: Shocking Omissions from the Best of the Worst-of Lists of the Year in Review
Ten Denver Omelettes to Watch in 2012
Top 8 Named Things of 2011

06 January 2012

Nine Erect in Satisfied Fever

Nine porticos tumbled into Georgia late last night and continued lambasting their febrile chicanery well into the wee hours, when apple strudel came into being and brought the taming of the shrew to its naturally engorged conclusion.  No comment from the powers that be chillin', they shushed me so as not to disrupt their train of thought, and when I repeated my request for comment, I was literally thrown off the front porch.  Powers that be:  Shame on you.

A "portico" is an arched column designed by architects to fit into the buildings they erect.  It can be used, for example, in a doorway or hole in the wall that lets people sneak into or escape early from a party being held in the building’s interior, or "courtyard".

Authorities were confused and unable to make sense of this story, unsure where to assign blame and the spokespersons they sent out either unwilling or unable to maintain plausible deniability.  Nevertheless the homeland security alert system color coded terror chart was raised to pale with sweaty palms, and several billion dollars printed for distribution to large financial institutions, while eponymous elephants trumpeted in (a jazz) vain (vein).

This is Wiggy Leadbetter, at the state fairgrounds, fully satisfied, reporting.