18 October 2011

TV Wash

Everyone has a car.  Cars get dirty.  It takes a little time and effort to wash your car, and they have machines now that can do it quickly and at a reasonable cost.  So you see lots of car washes.

But surely there are more TVs than cars.  Most of them are filthy.  So how come you never see a TV Wash?

I know I know, people don’t want to bring it in.  You can drive your car to a car wash (or wear your clothes to the laundromat for that matter), but most televisions still lack basic mobility.  So we are going to have to go door to door and wash the TVs on site.

Well maybe for the first year or two.  Once people see just how fantastically clean we are making the TVs they will wise up, rise up, and get hooked on our service.

Our patented washing process thoroughly cleans, disinfects and sanitizes your television, inside and out, all in seven easy steps that take less than forty-five minutes.  First, intensive supraluminous de-ionization removes noxious ions that can damage circuits and ruin your eyes; then, desalination cleanses your set of the harmful salts and alkaloids that accumulate from the daily reality of reality television.  A toxic lather is then applied to kill bugs, germs, and quickly decompose nutmeat residues.  Two other secret steps (hint: rinse, repeat) get rid of that whole mess, then any nesting passerine birds are carefully removed and restored to their natural habitat where they go on to live long and fulfilling lives.  Finally, the TV is given the (proverbial) once over by our trained technicians working with a damp cloth of surpassing softness, and then delivered direct to your living room, clean and fresh and reinstalled and ready to transmit any kind of image you want to stare at.

And it will still function (more or less).  We guarantee it.

Picture our commercial: magnified close-ups of how disgustingly dirty your set becomes after only a few short weeks of use, the range of creatures dead and undead that dwell within, etc.  (Subtitle: Heat attracts moles and voles)

“Dude your TV is fucking disgusting.” 
“What?  I wipe the dust off the top of it every other week.” 
“That’s not enough.  It’s gross.  Get it cleaned – professionally.”
“No way, I’m not sending it out again, you know what happened last time.”
“No problem, they come to your house now.”


Cut to: Testimonial.  “My television was riddled with vermin that gave me a bad disease twice until I got it cleaned by the professional TV washing service represented in this advertisement.”



  1. What a farce! You don't need to waste money on a professional TV cleaner. Go to my blog (The Frugal TV Washer) for all kinds of tips on how to clean your television using home-made, traditional naturopathogenic ingredients.

  2. Interesting. A contrary opinion. I checked out your blog and see that your methods take all day and also use water which is one of our most precious natural resources. We never said it couldn't be done cheaper, and if cheap and time-consuming is what people want then by all means let them have it. But for people on the go, nothing beats the fast convenient service described in this blogpost. Call the number on your screen, etc. etc.

  3. I didn't think *anything* could remove nutmeat residue. Thank Christ that someone finally pegged it.

  4. It took 11 long years of R&D, funded mostly by your tax dollars (well, yours and Tony Randall's), but our toxic lather quickly decomposes anything, including diamonds, nature's hardest (to decompose) substance. The biggest challenge has been developing a jug to keep it in.


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