18 October 2011

TV Wash

Everyone has a car.  Cars get dirty.  It takes a little time and effort to wash your car, and they have machines now that can do it quickly and at a reasonable cost.  So you see lots of car washes.

But surely there are more TVs than cars.  Most of them are filthy.  So how come you never see a TV Wash?

I know I know, people don’t want to bring it in.  You can drive your car to a car wash (or wear your clothes to the laundromat for that matter), but most televisions still lack basic mobility.  So we are going to have to go door to door and wash the TVs on site.

Well maybe for the first year or two.  Once people see just how fantastically clean we are making the TVs they will wise up, rise up, and get hooked on our service.

Our patented washing process thoroughly cleans, disinfects and sanitizes your television, inside and out, all in seven easy steps that take less than forty-five minutes.  First, intensive supraluminous de-ionization removes noxious ions that can damage circuits and ruin your eyes; then, desalination cleanses your set of the harmful salts and alkaloids that accumulate from the daily reality of reality television.  A toxic lather is then applied to kill bugs, germs, and quickly decompose nutmeat residues.  Two other secret steps (hint: rinse, repeat) get rid of that whole mess, then any nesting passerine birds are carefully removed and restored to their natural habitat where they go on to live long and fulfilling lives.  Finally, the TV is given the (proverbial) once over by our trained technicians working with a damp cloth of surpassing softness, and then delivered direct to your living room, clean and fresh and reinstalled and ready to transmit any kind of image you want to stare at.

And it will still function (more or less).  We guarantee it.

Picture our commercial: magnified close-ups of how disgustingly dirty your set becomes after only a few short weeks of use, the range of creatures dead and undead that dwell within, etc.  (Subtitle: Heat attracts moles and voles)

“Dude your TV is fucking disgusting.” 
“What?  I wipe the dust off the top of it every other week.” 
“That’s not enough.  It’s gross.  Get it cleaned – professionally.”
“No way, I’m not sending it out again, you know what happened last time.”
“No problem, they come to your house now.”


Cut to: Testimonial.  “My television was riddled with vermin that gave me a bad disease twice until I got it cleaned by the professional TV washing service represented in this advertisement.”


08 October 2011

Animal Awards

The 4,273rd annual Animal Awards ceremonial festivity was held last night deep in the Inyo National Forest, and some of the results were quite surprising. 

Host “Brouhaha” (the former Pam Dawber) was on her game from the start, keeping the face past, pulling no punches in calling out certain members of the academy for their atavistic political views and disgusting table manners, yet managing to keep the mood light and avoid crossing the line that would have meant certain death, career or otherwise.

In the category of Best Elk, an elk from Idaho with an unpronounceable / untranscribable name took advantage of a vote split between the two favorites to capture the award, a huge boost to the career of this relative unknown in a year many considered particularly strong for the elk.

A Lifetime Achievement Award was given to the tufted titmouse, for its sustained contribution to the field of being a small bird flitting about.

For the fourth straight year, the award for Funniest Animal Home Video went to a human, the announcement sending the audience into a wild but by-now-all-too-familiar pandemonium.  Fortunately the winner was not in attendance, apparently aware of the fate of last year’s winner, who showed up to claim the prize only to be torn to pieces by the furious runners-up, video of which was entered in this year’s competition by some snarky aardvarks.

Animal Architect of the Year went to the Tree Pig, still the only species of pig to live year-round in trees, for its innovative use of materials and incorporation of Bauhaus elements into a rich tapestry celebrating 2500 years of tree pig architecture history.

And now, the award you’ve all been wailing for, the award for this year’s King of the Jungle Award.  And the nominees are:  the Gorilla, for his role as a giant ape who is practically human, stronger than anything in the jungle and preyed upon by none;  the Flesh-eating Fire Ant, relentless in its multitudes and able to spew fire from its thorax;  the Lion, a traditional favorite in this category yet a bit of an underdog this year due to the growing movement to disqualify it because, uh, lions don’t live in jungles;  the Reticulated Python, slowly, inexorably strangling any living thing it stumbles upon; and the African Forest Elephant, biggest guy there, yields to no living thing, etc.  Wow this is very exciting, a little nervous here, certainly don’t want to be set upon, mauled, or otherwise torn to pieces like, well like most of the other presenters here this evening …Ladies and gentlemen, the winner is: (o my god) the Reticulated Python!