10 August 2011

Research Department

The Research Department continues its efforts unabated, seeking to build an improved future with more storage space and better television. Most of the best ideas cannot be unveiled until full patent protection is obtained, but while you're waiting, check out this latest development in the area of vehicular safety. What we have here is a system that offers vehicle to pedestrian (V2P) communication as a means to prevent accidents and/or expedite funerals. For example, if a bus or other large vehicle is bearing down on a pedestrian, sensors immediately focus on the pedestrian’s eyes and, using sophisticated image processing algorithms, make a determination whether or not he/she sees the oncoming vehicle; if not, a warning signal is immediately sent out in the form of a text message to the pedestrian’s cell phone. Meanwhile, the truck’s horn is automatically honked and an electric shock administered to the driver. If the pedestrian fails to take evasive action, or to push star-2-7 before the vehicle plows into him/her, then the system automatically posts a status update on the pedestrian’s Faceplace wall to the effect that she just got run over, and then, based on GPS tracking software, indicates the appropriate hospital (or morgue) to visit and/or pick up the body. A customized condolence note is produced based on the msn chat content, the victim’s Facebase page will program the funeral music based on their faves, last words are automatically tweeted and friends can complete the entire grieving process in four or five clicks. Of course in most cases the system will render such unpleasantries unnecessary, but if, you know, god forbid, then, well, just think of the convenience!

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