25 July 2011

How to Cash in on the Monetization Craze

Everything that can be monetized, will be. What cannot be monetized shall be marginalized, downsized, ostracized, and ultimately excised. This has nothing to do with Adam Smith's The Wealth of Nations, but an awful lot of people seem to think everything does.

You've all heard the expression, Silence is Golden. Well we've been off the gold standard for quite some time now. Silence as we know it is set to become the next big thing. At first it will be the exclusive preserve of the wealthy elite but as prices drop and the technology matures many middle class Americans will have silence on tap in their homes and it may be provided for free in certain Buddhist monasteries and Starbucks coffee houses as a way to attract customers.

Air should be easily monetizable. Everyone needs it, there are clearly recognized differences in quality, people already pay for it in oxygen bars around the world, etc. Won't be long before Globochem patents new and improved oxygen, the old air is declared unsafe and the price fixing and price gouging becomes suffocating.

Spit must be worth something to somebody somewhere. 'That ain't worth spit' used to be a compliment, it meant, 'That is not worth as much as spit is', which was quite a lot in those days. These things move in cycles, and spit's time will come again.

Poop, of course, has already been monetized, they call it fertilizer and it sells like hotcakes. There is huge untapped monetization potential, however, in celebrity poop.

If you think walking down the street should be free then you are a commie socialist who doesn't understand the power of the free market. Walking down the street will cost more on nice days but, for the frugal and/or downtrodden, there will be steep discounts offered during earthquakes and thunderstorms.

Jogging will now cost you $2.75 per mile, biking $1.20 / mile, but horseback riding will remain free with the purchase of a medium soft drink.

The charge for tousling your son's hair will rise to $12,000; checks may be made payable to the Google corporation, newly registered owner of most of life's simple pleasures.

Basically, any time you so much as bat a proverbial eyelash you will be billed according to the amount of pleasure you experience. Prices for looking out the window will be fixed according to the scope of the panorama and the je ne sais quoi of the mise en scene. Staring into space will become prohibitively costly for the broad masses but will for that very reason be adopted as an ostentatious display of wealth among the glitterati.

The rights to do what you have to-date been doing free of charge have long since been patented and, once the proper legal framework is in place, enforcement will be both universal and punitive. There's no use doing a lot of hollering about it. You have too much to lose by not complying with every new order we send down the pipe. You're busy enough. Who's got time to complain, it never does any good. You've been meaning to cut back anyway.

You can opt out of any of the above services at any time by pressing star seven five on your touchtone phone and then sealing yourself up with a caulking gun.


  1. Pray, what is the point of all this?

  2. I don't know ... bacon? "The Human Elbow"?


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